“The lying, the cheating, the alcohol, the racism, the sexual and emotional abuse…”
Carol’s story:
By: Greta Nagy
The story teller asked for me to change certain names in this story in order to make her feel more comfortable sharing.
“It didn’t help that I was bipolar dating a bipolar man who wouldn’t admit that he was and got off on making fun of me. Toby and I lived together for a year, and I regret every second of it.”
Carol was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when she was sixteen. Her boyfriend Toby was diagnosed when he was 23. He never admitted this, though. His favorite name for Carol was “my bipolar girlfriend.”
“Toby would never admit that he was bipolar. He was never put on medication and never saw a therapist, both of which I did every day. He shamed me, he embarrassed me in front of our friends, and he emotionally and physically abused me. It was the worst year of my life.”
“Bipolar disorder is something no one should be ashamed of. No one should stigmatize it either, yet I live with the stereotypes and judgments everyday.”
Toby and Carol met at a bar during college. He wasn’t a student at her university and was a few years older than Carol.
“For the first few months it was fun. It was exciting dating an older guy, and I felt cool. I then became paranoid, which is a symptom of my mental health circumstance. I became irrationally paranoid until he actually started cheating. Toby was a sex addict. I knew he would cheat on me, but at this point I was too attached to the idea of him. He had a horrible alcohol issue, and furthermore was a racist. I am a mixed race, and my father is black. It was horrific hearing him say the N word as a completely white male. The worst was when he told me he was bipolar, and made me feel safe and comfortable. It was great to relate to someone like this. It was a connection. Then he began to deny that he was bipolar. He used my mental health against me, in ways I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.”
Toby and Carol moved in together six months into their relationship.
“He sort of was the one who initiated the move in. I realized too late that it was because he was broke. He started manipulating me into paying half of his rent, and then it became ‘I promise I’ll pay you back if you pay my half of the rent this month.’ I was struggling so much, but I was too scared to let go and I can’t explain to you why. I would try to break up with him and somehow he would manipulate me into staying with him. He would threaten suicide which is one of the most toxic moves a person can make in a relationship. His life wasn’t my responsibility, but I didn’t realize that. He was dragging me down with him, and worsening my mental health as he did it.”
“People have a hell of a time admitting they are in a toxic relationship. It’s even worse looking back at one a few years later. I feel mortified that I was ever with this man. It took me an entire year of therapy to get over the relationship and what he did to me. The lying, the cheating, the alcohol, the racism, the sexual and emotional abuse. When he got drunk he hit me multiple times. The next morning all it took was an apology and a ‘I don’t remember anything but I promise to work on myself’ to make me stay with him. Everyone told me to get out of the relationship but I listened to no one.”
Carol’s parents worried. They tried everything to get her to end things with Toby. She was declined a job offer that she had received the summer before graduating college, because her Toby emailed her boss telling him that Carol had bipolar disorder and was unstable.
“I couldn’t believe it. My dream job and the internship I had worked so hard to get an offer from had been taken away from me. All because of a mental health disorder that I had completely under control, and all because of Toby. I remember calling my mom sobbing and telling her to help me. I was stuck in the apartment with him, I wasn’t allowed to see my friends, I wasn’t allowed to post on social media, and he controlled my credit card and phone. I would wake up to texts from old friends asking why I had sent them the text I had the night before, and he threatened me if I told them that he was the one who actually sent it. I had to pretend that I had been drunk the night before and I lost many friends.”
Carol’s mom took matters into her own hands.
“One night Toby was out of control. He couldn’t speak or walk. He was so drunk. I called my mom and she came over. She picked me up and called the police. Toby was hospitalized the next day. I never talked to him again and to this day have no idea where he is or what he is doing.”
What Carol does know is that she grew from this experience. She found the good in going through the relationship and coming out stronger than before.
“I am so strong now. I own my mental health detriments because I have worked so hard on myself and controlling my bipolar disorder. It is okay to be bipolar and to talk about it. We’re not crazy psychopaths. We are people...I now have a great job, great friends, and a new boyfriend. I am perfectly happy and stable. Sometimes I have my bad days, but I have mastered positivity and perseverance.”
