Gaslighting: Why It’s Not an Apology.
By: Stefania Tibor
Sex and Love Columnist for The Stories We Need to Hear Media
During my toxic “friendship” with my ex, I experienced gaslighting like no tomorrow. I truly have never met someone so emotionally immature and apathetic. Get ready to be absolutely infuriated by the complete bullshit I put up with for a hot minute.
The first time was that one time that really struck a chord with me. For the first time in over two years since our breakup, we decided to blur the lines. Being that we had both had COVID dry spells and “both” had negative tests during our celibacy periods, we decided to not use protection.
We agreed that we both weren’t in headspaces or life situations that would allow us to get back together--it simply wasn’t in the cards then. Of course, we both still acted couple-y; eating Thai food the next morning, burping in front of each other, holding hands in the car, you name it. I knew we were both allowed to do whatever we want, not wanting to be sexually active with others was my own decision; but if you’re going to balance multiple sexual partners, there’s a right and wrong way to do it. I’ll let you decide which way you think his decision went.
It was his birthday weekend and I knew something was off. We FaceTimed constantly through our entire friendship, so naturally, I wanted to call him and see how the weekend was going. He seemed a little dismissive, something that I hadn’t ever really seen from him. But I brushed it off, assuming he was hungover, and went over that Sunday to see him.
Though we had a sexual relationship at the time, he was still my best friend. So, each time I went over, we still made time for each other to hang out like we always did. After about 3 hours of talking and watching “American Pie”, naturally, things started progressing.
Seconds away from us having sex, in his seductive voice, he said “So, I just have something to tell you, might be a little awkward. I had sex this weekend and didn’t use a condom, so should I use one?”
Of course, I was infuriated. But before every guy that’s ever done this before comes after me, allow me to explain why I was upset. It doesn’t matter that he had sex with someone else, it matters to me how he went about it. I’m 23, I know when sex is someone’s top priority and I can see clearly when achieving an orgasm is more important to someone than their relationship with me.
So, I stopped him and said “Oh, we’re not doing this.” At that moment, I told him this was a bad idea and from then on, decided blurring the lines had reached its breaking point. I told him I felt as though he was doing his best to coerce me into having sex. We had days, hours, FaceTime calls, in person interactions, so many opportunities to have that conversation. It feels really convenient that he decided to deliver that news at the peak of our sexual tension.
While this really upset me, what was even more devastating was his reaction to me being upset. First off, of course he resorted to “Why are you mad? We agreed we aren’t getting back together.” Time and time again I told him that wasn’t what this was about; rather, I explained that I was hurt by his intentions. It hurt me that he got me in the mood before delivering news like that to someone that had so much emotional history with him.
Between my life experiences, progression in rebuilding my mental health, and my public speaking skills, I’m able to articulate myself very well. I don’t yell, I don’t accuse; I go into any argument with the goal to communicate my feelings rather than project intention and blame onto someone.
I told him time and time again that what he did made me feel useless; but it didn’t matter how many times I said it or how many ways I rephrased myself. I was constantly met with the same answer: “Well that wasn’t what I was trying to do.”
This was our gateway into his gaslighting behavior. This was my red flag, the clear sign that when it comes to recognizing character flaws and fuck ups, he was never going to believe he did anything wrong.
Gaslighting can get really confusing, so allow me to utilize yet another time he managed to piss me off during our “friendship.”
It was a Friday at 6pm; I was on the 405 headed home after work. I got a FaceTime call from him while I was in bumper to bumper traffic. He called to ask me if I wanted to head to bars with him and a friend that night. He prefaced with the flakiness of the friend and told me it might not happen, but wanted to see if I would be interested.
I completely understood and told him to let me know if the plans went through. He proceeded to call me back about an hour later and tell me they were off. He “wanted to see me,” but had a lot of work to do that night and figured that was a sign to stay in and work. He, of course, “missed me” though and wanted to see me soon.
It already didn’t sit right with me that he wanted to see me but didn’t want to do something else being that I was available. But alas, it wasn’t a battle worth fighting, so I went about my night. After a few glasses of wine, I had some fun drama to tell him about, so I FaceTimed him. He almost got away with it, but he accidentally answered and couldn’t hang up in time. Of course, he was out at a bar.
I, of course, proceeded to lose my shit. I told him to not bother coming to my birthday dinner later that week and told him how hurtful it was that he could blow me off and go off somewhere better. I really wish that his idiotic actions ended there, but of course, it didn’t.
The only thing worse than the things he did to hurt me was his approach to the conversation following. I called him and told him that I was really hurt that he could cancel on me and go out with other people after deciding to stay in. Whether he found them more interesting, or lied to me to keep me from “better” plans, either one hurt. I told him this was the second time he made me feel like an option rather than an actual friend he respected.
Of course, I was met with the same old, “That wasn’t my intention” “I don’t see how I did anything wrong” “It just happened” and so on. So, here’s the difference in gaslighting versus actually taking accountability.
I’ve learned the hard way what the difference is. When you’re good with your words and don’t actively go into something with the intent to hurt someone, it’s hard to understand why your character is being critiqued during an argument. Your actions don’t have to have mindful malice to hurt someone.
This was simply a case of selfishness and inconsideration. Not only did he not think to see me, he refused to look beyond himself and view his actions from a different perspective. Gaslighting is refusing to look beyond what you were intending to do. A real apology goes beyond what your active intent was and questioning what the action itself did to hurt someone else. It takes personal responsibility and absolutely takes selflessness and dismantling pride.
In this argument, what I was looking for was an acknowledgement of how I felt. I didn’t think he was a bad person, I just wanted him to recognize that this was simply a selfish decision. I wanted him to realize that this decision, that had the active intention of having a fun night, subsequently made me feel like I didn’t offer him enough to make him want to see me.
And that’s why the nail in the coffin was “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This directly translates to “Sorry that’s how your brain works and internalizes things.” It can simply be fixed with “I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”
Truthfully, the premise of the argument wasn’t that big of a deal; it was awkward. He simply made himself look bad. But rather than focusing on the fact that he fucked up, he spent the majority of our phone call making me feel bad for how I reacted when I was upset. This is also a major part of gaslighting.
We use this method of gaslighting all the time unknowingly. You pull a side point to work an angle and make yourself look better. We refuse to admit blame and apologize because we aren’t intentionally trying to hurt the other person. So, we get defensive. We say something triggering or dismissive when attempting to comfort someone, and when we’re confronted about it, we respond angrily with “I was only trying to help.”
That doesn’t matter at that moment; it’s evident that you’re trying to help. But just because you were “trying” doesn’t mean something that you said didn’t hurt them. Insensitivity is often due to the fact that you weren’t actively mindful during conversation and thoroughly thinking about what you can do to be helpful. We get so wrapped up in our intentions, that we refuse to see that sometimes a bi-product of our actions ends up hurting someone.
Here’s a great starting point: arguments don’t have to be settled right then and there. When the particular situation is brought up, ask respectful questions about how the other person felt. Preface it with something to the effect of: I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, and I’m very sorry I did, how can I prevent this from happening again?
When I learned my lesson about gaslighting subconsciously, my friend made a very great point that has stuck with me forever. She told me “I know you’re not a bad person, I just wanted you to understand how I felt.”
From then on, I realized my apologies were driven by wanting her to know I wasn’t a bad person. I was so fixating on the thought that she was bringing this up because I was trying to be mean or that I didn’t care. In reality, she was hurt that what I did specifically hurt her. All she wanted was for me to put myself aside and see how something that I wouldn’t think would be hurtful, hurt her.
Some of us really need to put our egos aside and realize that thinking you’re not doing something harmful makes it innately harmless. I promise you, understanding this when faced with conflict in any type of relationship will allow you to unclutter your emotional maturity with your own egotistical perception of your character. Causing someone pain is something that most of us would never want to do; we need to understand that we will inevitably fuck up because we aren’t mind readers. We’re all constantly in our own worlds, and sometimes that lack of awareness that we all inevitably experience here and there will cause us to unintentionally hurt someone.
