I wonder if life takes a shot of cheap tequila after it fucks me over for the zillionth time

By: Caitlyn W.

It was always nice to get a compliment that had nothing to do with my physical appearance. “You’re a really nice person” or “you’re a great friend to be around,” were a breath of fresh air from the vapid “your lips are huge!” followed by the typical “where do you get your injections done?” It was never even about complimenting my physical appearance or trying to make me feel comfortable in my own skin. In fact, it was quite literally the opposite.

Half the time I knew it was never genuine. The “compliments” were always followed by a passive aggressive “they look so natural!” or “I need to get mine done now.” It is disappointing to me that no one can ever be good enough, and if you do have a feature that stands out it automatically has to be a result of plastic surgery, at least if you were hanging out with the girls I was hanging out with. So, if I was not good enough for anything other than my looks which apparently weren’t even good enough to be “real”, what was I good for? What was I worth?

When I entered my senior year of college, I felt my world slowly devouring me alive. “It could be so much worse! Be grateful for what you have going for you,” my mother would tell me when I called her crying after getting rejected to all three post graduate jobs I had applied to. “Focus on the positive. Stop thinking so much,” was her go to “this will make Caitlyn feel better” phrase, which couldn’t have done more harm to my mental health if it tried. These statements were enormously unhelpful and disregarded every feeling I wanted someone to recognize and honestly say “you know what Caitlyn, that fucking sucks. I am so sorry that life is fucking you over. Do you think it smokes or takes Xanax after?” I always wonder if life takes a shot of cheap tequila after it fucks me over for the zillionth time.

For me, healing never meant that my problems just disappeared and never existed after I seemingly “felt better.” Healing is a sign that your issues and internal struggle is not pulling at your gut, heart, and soul anymore.

Why can’t we give each other honest compliments? If you are jealous of the way my lips look and want to bring yourself validation by accusing me of getting them filled, why not just tell me my lips look like shit? Wouldn’t that make you feel better than lying to yourself? Can we ever give each other compliments that have nothing to do with physical appearance?

Life is only as purposeful as any given person decides they want it to be. When I was sitting in my dorm room writing down a mental list of every reason, I shouldn’t be alive and every reason that my life sucked, I got a text message from my friend Caroline. It was a photo of us from three years earlier. I looked at the photo and studied every physical aspect of myself and then tried to place my current mindset into the brain of the individual I was staring at in the picture. She was so happy back then. I was so happy back then. I wanted that back. I wanted that life back.

Caroline was a beautiful person. On the outside she was the type of girl that jealous girls would say things like “oh she’s not that pretty,” and then examine her Instagram profile for hours on end wishing they looked like her with all their hearts. Caroline was also an exquisite person on the inside. She was so beautiful that I longed to have her vibes. I wanted her happiness and constant state of denial that life could ever be hard.

“Caitlyn, you are exactly where you are meant to be right now,” Caroline would tell me. “I hope you feel beautiful today! Love ya,” she would text me. And then one day she was gone. Just like that Caroline was both physically and emotionally removed from my life.

It is crazy how one person can be in your life 5 minutes earlier, leave to get a spray tan, and never return. 5 minutes can create a completely new world for someone. When Caroline died, she left me devastated but also became my guardian angel. She changed my life when she was physically out of it, more than she did when she was in it.

I heard her voice more often now, inside of my heard. “Caitlyn, don’t feel so down on yourself.” “Caitlyn, what is the best part of your day? Was it when you got that cute guy’s number or was it when you finished your final application? You’re doing so good.”

I would ask her things like “is this good for me?” She would respond in my thoughts, “of course it is.”

She would tell me to be kinder than necessary to people. She would tell me that if I did not settle for the whole world, I shouldn’t settle for anything. She taught me that being alone was what I needed sometimes, and when I was alone, she would let her voice leave my head.

When I was feeling especially down, Caroline told me that I needed to change the people I was tolerating, not myself. Intuition is real. Energy and vibes and trust and love and FEELINGS are real.

I lost Caroline almost a year ago next month. She teaches me something new each day. She taught me to be proud of myself. She taught me that the sky isn’t the limit, and it never will be. She taught me that there is power in being “damaged” and recovery. Whenever I think it’s the end of the world, Caroline reminds me that it’s just a turn in a winding road and in a few moments, I’ll be moving in a new direction again.