Our Love Was Always a Mystery

Carrie’s story:

This story is a part of The Stories We Need to Hear limited edition theme of “love stories.”

I met a guy right out of college and we fell in lust right away. I have no idea why, really. It’s funny because to this day I have no idea why, but I still think of him every once in a while and our time together. It seems like it was a chapter in my life 1000 pages ago, and that he was a character that the author had killed off too soon and never told the readers why. Our love was always a mystery, and I was always the detective trying to solve it. Was he in love with me? Why wasn’t he texting me back? We just hung out, why haven’t I heard from him? Are we going to hookup tonight? Do we hook up just when we get drunk? What happened? What changed? Why did I never get one last explanation? The case went cold.

I was so convinced that this man loved me, and I was so convinced that I loved him too. I couldn’t see a life without him in it. Here’s how it all went down.

We met after college when I moved to New York City. I was introduced to him through a friend who had gone to school with him in New York. We were at this popular bar that a bunch of NYU kids were always at, and it wasn’t my scene. It was just one of those nights where drinking was not in my favor. I felt bored and cramped and also physically cramped because I was on my period. When I met him, he told me he worked for a tech start-up and had graduated (I don’t want to disclose this information) from his college two years ago, which meant that he was only a little older than me. 

The next time I saw him was when I caught feelings. We were at a friend's apartment in Brooklyn, and it was the best feeling sitting next to him. I found him to be the cutest guy there and he was so flirty and good with his words. We were playing this stupid drinking game but I still remember it like it was yesterday and not nearly five years ago. He grabbed me and pulled me in to congratulate me on our team's win, and then he kissed me in front of everybody. 

We started hooking up, going to restaurants every so often, and mostly just hanging out in the park or at one of our apartments. We started becoming couple-y after a month, but he never asked me to be his girlfriend. My friends kept telling me that I should *ask him what we are* haha, so classic. 

I asked him what we were. “We are exclusive, but I don’t want to put an official label on it because I think that causes too much drama.” He had had a girlfriend for less than a year before me, so I empathized with his words. I imagined that he was still hurt or had PTSD from this relationship, and that he just needed time. 

A month or so went by, and we were still living. Our relationship was alive. The spark was still there. 

We went to this small carnival and got into our first fight. He was drunk and I was sober; another classic story. I thought the fight was my fault, but looking back now I feel pathetic for feeling that way. We were sitting in one of the little ferris wheel carts and I told him that this reminded me of the movie “The Notebook,” and the scene where Noah jumps on the ferris wheel to ask Allie on a date. He laughed, because everything I said was cliche to him and I was young and immature to him. I asked him why he laughed because I’m a sucker for a good rom com and am always planning out my life like a movie. “Because you are so unrealistic. That shit just doesn’t happen,” he said through drunk words. “Do you ever want to date me?” I asked him this knowing the answer he wanted to give me. “Of course! I’m just not ready.”

That was the first time he left me hanging. The next day I heard nothing from him, and the day after that I heard nothing from him, and even the day after that I had still heard absolutely nothing from him. Finally, I gave in and texted him “whatsup!” He told me he was super busy but that he missed me, and those words were all it took to make my heart explode with happiness. Two weeks later we saw each other again. He took me to a dive bar that all of our friends usually went to, but for me this was a huge romantic gesture. He hardly acknowledged me for the first thirty minutes, staring at his phone and telling me he was busy with work. I started to get sad but then he put his phone down and kissed me. We took a shot and then out of absolutely nowhere he looked me in the eyes and said “Carrie, I love you.” Immediately I started to tear up and almost screamed “I LOVE YOU TOO!!!”

I told all of my friends and they were happy for me. This was probably the last time they were happy for me and had any faith in my relationship with him. I had butterflies and I was always smiling.

We continued doing our little routines. Movies, apartment hang outs, bars with friends, park days, and then he would just stop talking to me for days. I asked him one more time: “so...what are we?” He told me nothing had changed and that “you need to be okay with this or else we can’t keep hooking up.” This was the worst sentence I’ve ever received. Hooking up? What about “I love you”? But the cycle continued! The fun times, the bad times, the zero response for days, and the “I love you so much’s”. 

There were nights where I would cry myself to sleep, nights where I would fight the tears as I lay next to him, and nights where I would feel more in love with him than ever before. This lasted for over two years. On and off, off and on, and then he met other girls. 

I remember the first time I had found out that he was secretly sleeping with someone else. I arrived at his apartment and we cooked roasted chicken and started drinking wine. It was a really good time and romantic. I was happy and we seemed to be happy. I slept over, and we went to bed saying “I love you.” That was the last time I heard from him, and two weeks later he was dating a perfect brunette. 

If you’re reading this, why? What happened? I would never call you out in front of the world, but I’ll show my friends this story and maybe it will somehow reach your eyes and you can finally give me the answer I’ve been looking for. I will have finally solved this mystery. There were nights of tears over you because you were my everything. I am so much stronger than I ever was before, but I just want to know why. 

I will never understand why someone deserves an abrupt fate, whether it’s a freak accident, a loss in the family, a furlough, or the love of their life shutting them out forever. 

If you’re out there waiting to hear back from him, sitting in your room checking your phone every five minutes, or trying to convince the people that care about you that everything is okay, I feel this pain. I want you to know that you do not have to wait for something so undeserving of your love.