Size and Pleasure
By: Stefania Tibor
Sex and Love Columnist for The Stories We Need to Hear Media
The dating pool is always something exciting to delve into. When you finally find yourself at a peak level of self confidence, the possibilities are endless. Those possibilities will bring you down a new world of interactions and memories--here’s one of my favorites.
It was a nighttime beach day with a new boy that I thought was my soulmate. We sat on the beach and talked for hours, intertwining stories and essentially having the same POV about everything we brought up. Once we were about four hours in, he ran over towards the coast to take a casual pee.
Upon coming back, he met me with a whimsical grin and a thread of giggles under his speech. He looked at me and said, “You know it’s funny. I kept looking back to check on you, and it made me think of when I was in middle school and you’d compare sizes.”
I have always found that conversation to be one that is truly hilarious. The jokes, commentary, self-worth, insecurities, and so on that have stemmed from the size of extra male bone when standing at attention have always perplexed me. When it comes down to it, what’s really the point of the size spectrum establishing so much about the male-sex body’s worth?
When it comes down to it, there is one situation where I would say size matters--but not in the way we’ve all been conditioned to view it. Today, we’re going to talk about the role of size in the bedroom and why I believe it does play an integral role in the road to pleasure.
Speaking as a cis woman that has experienced a majority of my sexual experiences with cis men, I’ll be basing my ideas off these interactions.
Your first sexual interaction with someone has many elements that will be revealed about the other person. One of those elements is the size of your partner. Truth be told, I’ve never truly had a mental reaction, unless it’s significantly large. However, the only reason I have this internal, “Oh!” moment isn’t because I’m blown away, but rather, preparing for the communication I’ll need to have with this partner.
And so we have it, with great power, comes great responsibility. The fact of the matter is, size matters because size determines how you’re going to please your partner. One of the biggest issues with sexual compatibility is the lack of acknowledgement that the physical makeup of both parties determines how you need to go about sex.
Basically--sex positions are not a one-size-fits-all. G-spots, though typically reside in the same area more or less, aren’t a clear-cut, bullseye target. There are plenty of biological factors that play into where someone’s G-spot is. Some girls have a more shallow cervix, so simply hitting it isn’t as easy. Sex with a shallow cervix will require careful positioning, due to the fact that hitting the cervix will negatively outweigh the sensation of reaching the G-Spot.
This physical makeup also plays a huge role in pleasure v.s. pain during sex. Truth be told, off the bat, someone with a larger penis will have a simpler time reaching the G-Spot. Think of it like wingspan; if two swimmers are reaching for the wall to complete a lap, the person with the longer arms has the advantage. If you have more to work with, it’ll be easier for you to reach.
However, this doesn’t mean shorter sizes don’t have a shot at pleasuring via penetrative sex. Here is where positions play a very key role in sex. There’s a reason why some partners can handle more penetrative positions rather than others.
Perhaps I’m preaching to the choir, but I still don’t believe it’s spoken enough: size doesn’t determine whether or not someone is going to be able to please you. The “biggest, strongest, barliest” notion has played a major role in toxic masculinity. Cis men have been conditioned to believe that their gender identity as he/him is reliant on how far you can push your body. This unfortunately has tied in their below the belt size.
What bothers me the most about this measure of self-worth is the fact that no one can control the size of their genitals--point blank. There are already so many terrifying side effects about the male beauty standard elements that can be changed; this can be exemplified by the unspoken ED tendencies within the fitness world.
I can’t help but think of this and flash back to being in high school and waiting on my boobs to come in. Granted, this is comparing oranges to bananas, but it’s the main way I’ve resorted to in order to understand the struggle on the cis male side.
While I believe overall size should absolutely be eliminated from the conversation in regards to male self-worth, I especially am seeking to wipe that away from our current assessment of good vs bad sex.
I’ve touched on it in the past, but there’s a vast difference from explorative, enjoyable sex and arbitrarily explorative sex. When drawing the line, this notion of size in regards to exploring versatility in the bedroom plays a major role.
Many people that find their sex taste and preferences “vanilla” are actually far more well versed when it comes to achieving pleasure and serving as a giving lover. When it comes to exploring in the bedroom, it’s vital to have a strong foundation to build upon. If you don’t have the basics covered, the fun add-ons are only going to be experience stories.
It’s important to get to know each other’s bodies--this is the absolute life hack to getting your partner to orgasm. The move you used on your last partner is not inherently mind blowing to the next. Allow your past experiences that have allowed you to please your partners as a starting point, rather than a default.
Yes, communication is important to have in the bedroom, but we need to stop making it seem easier than it is. Confidence plays a massive role in good sex. No one wants to be told what they’re doing isn’t working; we can’t help but resort to comparing ourselves in that moment. If that’s not working, they must know what does, right?
Being equipped to incorporate communication into your sex life must begin at the individual level. You aren’t going to match every single body that you embark on a sexual journey with. It’s simply impossible. In the same breath, it’s important to know how to communicate with someone.
It truly is important to speak up; you both need to create a safe space where you’re receptive to direction by giving the other person direction mindfully and respectfully. Many times, women will begin to feel pain during penetrative sex; rather than communicating that to their partners, they’ll often moan to expedite their partner’s climax. Unfortunately, this will communicate to your partner that you’re thoroughly enjoying that particular position, so, they log this as their default for your body.
I know for myself, speaking up about pain is difficult for me because I’m afraid of worrying my partner. In the moment, I want them to know that pain isn’t something for them to feel guilty about if they have no idea what's happening. The road to an orgasm for me requires so much mental detachment and physical relaxation. I’ve found myself constantly racing with thoughts, “Is it happening?” “Please don’t lose it.” “I don’t think it’s gonna happen.” “Oh shit what he was doing before was working, why did he stop?”
Finally, I reached my breakthrough, and started vocalizing it. I utilize an inflection in my voice that shows my partner that they’re doing great and this is how I want them to take it up a notch. Knowing your own body is so important when it comes to guiding your partner--this is a golden standard for everyone in every sexual act. If you don’t know what pleases you, how will someone else?
When it comes down to it, I firmly believe that you need to be able to comfortably communicate before you have sex with someone. Bad sex is not worth it. Constant bad sex with no hope in sight will never be better than taking celibacy periods to work on your confidence in the bedroom. The partner you select also plays a huge role in this.
In all times that you’re sexually active, ask yourself what your intentions are for sex. Are you seeking to achieve pleasure for both yourself and your partner, or are you having sex just to have it? In the same breath, are you depending on your attentiveness and mindfulness when attempting to give your partner an orgasm, or are you letting your size dictate that for you?
There’s potential for great sex for everyone, you just need to put in the work!
