The Science of Romance
By: Stefania Tibor
Sex and Love Columnist for The Stories We Need to Hear
When it comes to Valentine’s Day, couples constantly find themselves scrambling to conjure up any kind of romantic gesture they can extend to their significant other. While creativity and thoughtfulness are two very important factors in the planning process, there’s a secret third element that could be saving you from a subpar evening.
Right before the world shut down, I was about two months into dating someone. He was a homebody, so we typically spent our nights together cuddled in my room, watching TV shows he found for us to binge, eating snacks, and enjoying a little...herbal getaway.
I wasn’t really in the headspace to be the outgoing, up until 3 am version of myself during this time, so we were temporarily perfect for each other. Being that out of the two of us I was the one that lived in my own apartment, we would always be at my place. With the relationship still budding, I decided to do something practical and fitting for our V-day: a drawer with items he would always bring with him to stay over.
Normally, giving someone “a drawer” is a huge step (for some reason); for us, it was fitting and honestly practical. I figured I could pass it off as V-day being an excuse to prepare for how often he would be over anyways. I had the typical internal struggle with wondering if I should risk being the only one to give a gift or receive a gift and have nothing to give. Like the smart girl I am, I knew if I had a drawer for him in my bathroom, I could get away with not saying anything if I didn’t think it was fitting for our situation.
To my surprise, he walked into my house with a box of my favorite snacks and an ashtray in the shape of a pineapple. It was very fitting for me and felt thoughtful and sweet. He loved my drawer idea and we had a very sweet, typical night together. It was cozy, cute, and a valentine’s day I hope I never have again.
But how could this be something I hope doesn’t reoccur? He surprised me by doing something for the holiday, he came to see me, and the night went well--what’s the problem?
He was an interesting person to date; during college, I found myself gravitating towards the “opposites attract” route. I was looking for someone more mellow than me to keep me grounded while I can lift them up. This led me to slip into a cycle of dating guys that were absolutely draining, and this guy was the pinnacle of this type.
I didn’t even have to be out of the situation to know why I was dating this guy; I was in a very low depressive episode and wanted someone to give me attention, distract me, and spend time with me. I wanted someone to lay next to me, occupy me, and give me affection. While having a homebody checked most of these boxes, our emotions and thought processes were wonderfully similar, but we had one massive mismatch that made me realize why our v-day doesn’t make me smile looking back, and moreover, why we would never workout together.
Love languages have been chalked up to a fun little personality quiz to take. Everyone falls into the same pattern: you take one test, then you’re finding your Enneagram score, then your Myers-Briggs score, and then eventually, your love language. It’s something that has been given an unfair stamp of “trivial” and “very LA”, similar to astrology. It wasn’t until my recent breakthroughs in dating until I realized love languages are one of the most important, make or break aspects of a relationship.
For basic background, the love language quiz assesses which of the 5 love languages you receive love through; basically, this is a ranking of what makes you feel loved: physical touch, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, or giving gifts. For example, my top two are physical touch and quality time; I care the most about being able to see you and receiving hugs, hand holding, and more intimate things in private like kissing and being held.
For myself, words of affirmation and acts of service are more or less “meh” to me; I don’t know how to constantly receive compliments and I often find them unnecessary beyond the nice occasional ones to make me feel pretty and appreciated. Acts of service falls lower, due to the fact that I like doing things myself. And at the bottom of the barrel is giving gifts. I’ve never been able to pinpoint it, but there’s something about receiving a gift that makes me cringe exponentially. I find it so stressful; what if I don’t like it? What if I do like it but I seem like I don’t? Why am I getting a gift?
That’s when I realized why my V-day was objectively good, but was something that I didn’t actually enjoy. I got my quality time, but the person I was with absolutely hates physical touch, to the point where kissing was only something he’d do during sex or as a hello/goodbye. On top of that, we exchanged gifts. I loved mine and I think I was so distracted by the shock that he actually wanted to do something for me, I didn’t have to focus on how awkward I feel when being given a gift.
This gave me a massive breakthrough when it comes to romantic gestures. So many couples in television, film, and real life feel immense stress when it comes to creating the perfect gesture. At last, the answer we’ve been waiting for: everything about V-day planning has been counterintuitive.
Here’s what we should be doing: rather than beginning with trendy, grandiose, and attempting to be original, start with how they want to receive love. If you can’t find a creative way to get them to take the quiz, try to think about the things they ask you to do and the things they get excited about. Now, let’s get some ideas for each.
Acts of Service
Someone with this love language will appreciate you doing tasks for them without them asking; this can be as simple as washing the dishes or completing a task for them that they’ve been putting off. They appreciate things essentially being taken care of.
Personally, I’ve realized I show love through acts of service. I tend to cook for the people I’m dating, as well as offering to help them with things I’m good at like cover letters and crafting. While taking the initiative for planning is a great start, doing things that will insinuate taking control is a great way to impress them. This can be cooking them dinner, getting them something they’ve really wanted that they can use, and so on.
A great way to do this, especially during quarantine, would be to set up a night with things they’ve been wanting to purchase and try/do. For example, you can make that dish they’ve been dying to try but just couldn’t find the time. Every couple is different and every individual has their own likes and preferences, so adding any kind of personalization to you doing something for them is a formula that will really impress your partner for vday!
Words of Affirmation
Letter writing, “Read When…” post-it jars with sweet notes, and so on are really easy ways to make your s/o feel special. Asking them to be your valentine, regardless of how long you’ve been together, is such a fantastic start. Receiving love through words of affirmation is basically a preference to be told and reminded how much you love them and how much they mean to you.
Someone with this love language won’t want the early spark to die out; they’ll always like to hear that you think they look beautiful, so writing them a meaningful letter telling them how you feel is going to send them to the moon. Find a way to sprinkle in verbalized affection in whatever you do. For example, taking them to a beach picnic where you both can hear each other and indulge in romance through conversation is probably going to make them feel incredibly loved.
Giving Gifts
I think you get the gist.
Physical Touch
As someone who enjoys physical touch, I can say that this can be reflected in so many different ways. While there are physical touch-centralized activities you can do for V-day, such as a sensual night together including massages, you can also honor this during your big plans without making the activity all about touching. You can hold their hand when you’re going and coming to your different spots, hold their hand across the table while you have dinner, and give them the level of affection they enjoy both in public and in private.
Physical affection is appreciated overall, but doing it when you’re around other people (in accordance with your partner’s preferences on PDA), is a great way to give your s/o butterflies. It means more when you’re preoccupied with walking, talking, and doing things and still manage to find ways to make them feel your love. Hold their waist while you’re at the grocery store, waiting to check out with your V-day dinner ingredients, brush their hair out of their face if it’s in the way, give the occasional kiss just because you feel like it. These simple slip ins will make your s/o feel loved and understood.
Quality Time
Being that I also enjoy quality time, I know that this is easier said than done. Looking back at my v-day, being together was essentially the best part by far. However, quality time isn’t just about being together in the same room.
Quality time to me means an active engagement in each other. While I definitely enjoy watching our favorite show together and simply enjoying each other in silence, I also like to talk to you, laugh with you, and find fun things to do together.
This kind of V-day adventure is best executed with range; in the beginning of the day, you can do something that requires energy and engagement. As a general idea that can be executed post-COVID or altered to our current circumstances, doing something that feels like a fun, shared experience is a perfect start. Personally, I’d enjoy a weekend trip, a lengthy dinner, and definitely ending the date with a cozy, intimate sleep over (wink).
Once I opened my eyes to the love languages of the people in my past, I realized how much better our holidays and date nights could have been. Either way, making each other feel loved is the most important part for not only this holiday, but the entire relationship on a daily basis. You don’t need to go make grandiose plans for Valentine’s Day. The point of love language fluency is to change our perception of a genuine romantic gesture from how grandiose someone goes to how mindful someone has planned to show their love to you.
Valentine’s Day has allowed businesses to prey on the vulnerability of societal expectations for true love. It’s time to break the cycle of the one-size-fits-all approach of extravagance over thoughtfulness. Take this holiday as an opportunity to really capitalize on the amount of love you can show to your partner. At the end of the day, V-day is our check-in for love; let’s break up with the adaptation of V-day as the Christmas of love and start recognizing it as a celebration of your tangled souls.
