Drowning In Love

By: Lilly

Names have been changed to protect privacy of involved parties.

I started dating my first boyfriend during my freshman year of college. Your first love feels different from any other relationship you’ll ever have. Having a total lack of dating experience, I fell hard. When it was good, it was amazing, but when things got bad, I brushed the problems under the rug.

“I didn’t want to lose the feeling of being loved.”

When I first met Blake*, the first thing that attracted me to him was just how attentive he was. I had never had a crush before, and I was certain that no one had ever had a crush on me. What drew me to him wasn’t his smile or his sense of humor, it was the fact that he made me feel wanted. When he asked me to be his girlfriend, I was elated. I felt so honored that someone so popular and likeable wanted to be with me. 

For the next two years, I slowly saw the boy that I had fallen in love with change into someone that I didn’t even recognize. At first, things were great. He would invite me to parties at his fraternity and show me off to his brothers. They all knew me and treated me like “one of the guys.” They respected him so much that it felt like an honor just to be by his side. We would study together at the campus library and he would pass me notes that said, “Hey, you’re cute.” I felt butterflies any time I was around him. 

As time went on, I began to take my studies more seriously. I didn’t go to as many fraternity parties, and instead started focusing on my coursework. By this time, I had gained a few really meaningful friendships, and we began to stay away from the shoulder-to-shoulder, sweaty, freshman bait ragers. I started to become a more serious, deliberate person, but Blake was just as reckless as he was the day we met. 

Blake never really grew up after freshman year. He started avoiding my texts. Sometimes we would have plans for a date and he would show up drunk. Once we had planned for him to come to my apartment to make dinner. He showed up four hours late, and was so drunk and high that he fell asleep on my bed five minutes after arriving. He still went to every fraternity party, just without me. I didn’t mind this at first. I didn’t want to be dragged there anyway, and I trusted him to have a good time without me.  

During this time, I started noticing discrepancies with Blake’s stories. He would tell me that he couldn’t come over because he was helping his friend get home, and then I would receive text messages from my friend who spotted him arriving at another party. I would find clothing that belonged to other girls in his room. He began bailing on me more and more. 

Even through all of his blatant lies, I never confronted him about any of it. I was so scared that if I asked him, it would start a fight. I wanted to be the “chill” girlfriend, the one that trusted him to do whatever he wanted without getting jealous. He would come over to my apartment wearing clothes I didn’t recognize and smelling of booze and weed, and I would just hug him and say nothing of it. I was worried that if I confronted him, it would make him stop loving me.  

Deep down, I knew the truth of what was going on. I knew he had cheated on me multiple times. I was aware that he was blowing me off to party or get high, but I buried that hurt and worry deep down inside me.

“The feeling of being loved was so intoxicating that I was willing to put myself through any emotional pain just to chase that feeling.” 

After two years of feeling miserable, Blake finally sat me down and told me the truth. Not the whole truth, but he admitted to a few accounts of cheating. After that conversation, he broke up with me. I was completely devastated. I begged him to stay. I told him that we could make it work, but he refused. I spent weeks crying over the breakup, and even longer replaying every moment in my head.  

Your first heartbreak isn’t easy, and I felt like I was going through withdrawal. I felt numb, and I kept wondering if there was anything I could have done to salvage the relationship. In reality, it should have ended long before it actually did. His dishonesty paired with my passiveness was a recipe for disaster.

Reflecting on that relationship, I don’t have any ill will or regrets. I learned what it felt like to be loved for the first time. I also learned that even someone who loves you is capable of hurting you. I don’t resent Blake for the lying or the cheating. That relationship taught me to stick up for myself. I know now that in order for a relationship to work, there has to be good communication. If I had taken care of myself and expressed my feelings, I would have ended up better off in the end.  

Being in a healthy partnership doesn’t mean sacrificing your own happiness. You should be able to express for and take care of yourself, and your partner should want to share that responsibility with you. You should never feel needy or guilty for expressing your feelings, and you should never fear that your partner’s love is conditional. Once I was able to be honest with myself, I found meaningful relationships in which my partner felt comfortable being honest with me.