“How Are You Eating?” And Other Diet-Related Holiday Stress
By: Lilly
Many of us do not have the privilege of being home for the holidays this year. The last two months of the year can be stressful, regardless of the pandemic. Whether you’re with your family in person or over Zoom you can expect the same old questions from your relatives: “What are you up to these days? How’s your job/school?” And of course, the dreaded question: “How are you eating?”
A lot of us struggle with our eating choices on a day-to-day basis, but this pressure feels especially hard during the holidays. I can’t remember a day that I didn’t feel bad about my body. I’ll eat a big meal, and after scrolling through Instagram, I’ll look in the mirror and pinch all of the areas of my body that have fat where I think there shouldn’t be. Although I've never experienced disordered eating, I feel pressured by the media to care about my external appearance every day.
I was lucky enough to be able to spend the holidays at home with my mother this year. After arriving home and finishing my quarantine, I was finally able to spend time with her and have a meal together for the first time in almost a year. What should have been a happy moment instead filled me with anxiety and dread.
In anticipation of my arrival, she had filled the kitchen with all of my favorite childhood foods. These fatty, greasy microwavable comforts sustained me throughout my entire childhood, but in my adulthood, I had stayed away from these foods like the plague. My fear of gaining weight is surely wrong and very toxic, but my struggle with accepting my weight is something that I am still working on.
Rather than asking for other groceries and embarrassing or hurting my mom, I quietly thanked her and picked at the food she had bought especially for me. I was too ashamed to ask for anything else, and I was worried that any such request would cause her to worry about my relationship with food.
Things only became worse on Thanksgiving. Over Zoom with my extended family, I got an array of comments about my body: about how I had gotten bigger, or looked too skinny, or even just looked so “different.” These comments stayed with me for days as I was trying to untangle them. While my own self image is unstable, hearing things like this make it even more confusing.
Coming up on Christmas, the food-related stress can feel even more present. Not only is there the temptation of foods that you think you “can’t” or “shouldn’t” eat, there's also the pressure to indulge in them. Your family, friends, and loved ones may not know what’s going on with you, or that you have a complicated relationship with food.
In the weeks leading up to Christmas, my mom and I began planning our stay-at-home Christmas dinner. I felt bad every time she would suggest a recipe and I would reject it. I could tell that she was becoming frustrated with me, but I couldn’t help it. My obsession over food was keeping us from really connecting. I could tell that it was putting a strain on our relationship.
I got sick of food getting in the way of me just living in the moment. I began to realize that if I had an honest conversation with myself, I would be able to get back to what is most important: spending time with my family and focusing on my own happiness.
I spent a few days reflecting on why I let food get in the way of my mental stability. To be honest, it made me feel better. Of course, those toxic feelings didn’t disappear overnight, but now I’m actively trying to quiet the negative voice in my head whenever it shows up. I try to remind myself that this opportunity to be with my family is rare and that I should cherish it, rather than obsess over every calorie. Easier said than done, I know, but it’s a start. Every time I sit down for a meal now, I try to focus on who I’m with, rather than what’s on the plate.
When dealing with other family members who comment on my eating habits or my weight, I try my best to shrug it off. They don’t know anything about my health. I am the only one that gets to make decisions about my body, what I eat, or how I look. Leading up to the winter holidays, I’m trying to gather the courage to politely confront these family members and ask them why they feel the need to comment on my body. These conversations may be tough to have, but maybe they could spark a change in their attitude towards their own struggles with diet culture.
My main goal for now is to get past the holidays in one piece. Of course I want to actively work on my own body-positive mentality, but for now I’m taking it one day at a time. I try to celebrate the little victories. I take note of every time I catch myself being happy, rather than worried or stressed about food. I try to look in the mirror less than I used to. They’re baby steps, but it makes me feel proud of myself every time I express gratitude for my body.
If you or a loved one is battling with disordered eating, please reach out to the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA). Our relationship with food can be hard, especially around the holidays, but you don’t have to face it alone. 0uii
