By: Paige Gulliver

A watched pot never boils. My eyes are locked on the stove and the pot remains stable. No matter how long you stare it is seemingly always the second your back is turned that the bubbles rise to the top and the water spills over. I think pots full of blisteringly hot water purposefully keep it all contained while people are watching. I think they have anxiety but are skilled at hiding it. Masters of concealing the turning tumultuous waters that lie beneath the surface, just until they find themselves at a moment of peace. That is when they erupt entirely and make their presence known.

**“My anxiety resembles the instability of a pot on the brink of boiling.”**

Sometimes I feel like a watched pot. There is a fire lit beneath me. Fizzing water, tossing and turning inside of me. My anxiety resembles the instability of a pot on the brink of boiling. It is chaotic, uncontrollable and uncomfortable. My disordered thoughts leave me feeling powerless and panicked. On the inside it is pandemonium. Frenzied thoughts rise to the surface like air bubbles being heated by the stove below. Anxiety seeps my entire being as the water becomes less manageable by the minute. I have an entire pot of boiling water inside of me and there is no apparent solution. No solution but also no external indication of what is happening to me. On the outside I remain cool, calm and collected. I am in disguised dismay.

“**One can only hold in the steam for so long.”**

By looking at me, you would never know my insides are on fire and my head is splitting down the middle with overpowering thoughts. I have always been an outwardly confident person as well as a people-pleaser. I’m extremely extroverted and like to make people laugh. I am often one of the loudest voices in the room and you will be hard-done by to find me missing a social event. I put myself out there. I love being perceived by those around me as outgoing and sure of myself. Stable and sane. Carefree and chill.

“**On the outside I remain cool, calm and collected. I am in disguised dismay.”**

I have to employ skill to project a smooth surface. I manipulate perception to maintain the appearance of external equilibrium. Ensuring nobody will be there to observe when the water hits its seething point. The point when the water simply won’t rest any longer. When it's pushing up against the lid and sizzling with eagerness to spill right over. The air bubbles rapidly rising, ready to be released into the world. No longer willing to be held captive. This is when the phenomenon is proven, a watched pot never boils. Unwilling to let my facade crack, I take on the diffusing of the fire within all on my own. Maintaining a still surface my mind is a frenzy with anxiety. I am committed to withholding this turbulence from the outside world.

I often find myself sacrificing my own mental health to preserve my easy going demeanor. In a situation where I feel deep anxiety, I avoid putting words to it. Deep anxiety that feels warm and sticky in my stomach and makes my palms sweat. I’m not sure why I am so committed to holding these feelings hostage. Possibly, it is partially out of fear. Fear that people will perceive me in a different light. A less fun light. One where I get anxious if something isn’t going exactly to plan. One where I get anxiety induced stomach cramps from trying to sort out simple things. How can I be seen as carefree if I make it known that I aggressively care? I keep these feelings inside out of convenience as well. The convenience of those around me to not have to talk me down. The convenience of myself to not have to place these feelings, to not have to put them into words. I conceive that doing so gives them more power, in fact it is exactly the opposite. Trying so feverishly hard to avoid these thoughts, never letting them see the light of day, ends in my own demise every time.

**“Don’t let your life feel the same. If water is boiling inside of you, open up.**”

One can only hold in the steam for so long. Even a watched pot needs to emit hot air eventually. The only way to calm the chaotic waters fueled by anxiety is to release pressure. Keeping it for yourself will only cause the temperature to rise further. Communicating these feelings of anxiety will allow heat to escape, overflowing bubbles to simmer, and boiling water to stabilize. Even if a pot boils while your back is turned, you will always find the aftermath. You will find a seared stove with water everywhere. Feverish moments trying to calm the pot that was seconds ago at equilibrium. Don’t let your life feel the same. If water is boiling inside of you, open up. Open up the lid and let somebody else in. You cannot diffuse a fire on your own. It is going to erupt eventually and the pieces will need to be picked up no matter what. Let the people around you be there when the water can’t stay calm any longer. It is okay to break the concealment of chaos. It is okay to ask for help. It is okay to boil over while people are watching.