Here's what you need to know about agoraphobia
By: Carrie N.
Agoraphobia. I was scared to leave places without a friend, parent, or even police officer. Crowds were a constant battle, as were lines to get my medication at Walgreens, to get into a bar with friends, or to order a bagel from Starbucks. Movie theatres were never a possibility after having a panic attack at Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince, with my dad. Elevators, airplanes, and cars were a nightmare that I was stuck in with no way out. Parking lots were also an enemy figure in my life. My panic attacks revolved around the fear of, what for most people are, normal day to day activities.
When I was five years old, my mom took me to a grocery store with her. Immediately a very unsettling feeling started to rise within my lower stomach and transition its way into my chest. I felt as if something was seriously wrong. I was trapped with no escape. The aisles felt miles long with no end, and it was as if I was trapped in a maze that had no escape route. I held on tight to my mothers hand as strangers walked past me that I believed to be harmful. Maybe they would kidnap me. Maybe they were the ones keeping me inside of this maze. I had no way out. So I screamed right before passing out. I woke up in my bed and was taken to my pediatrician who referred me to another special doctor who could help explain to me what was happening to my body and functioning abilities. This new doctor told me I had agoraphobia, and since then I have been living with it for 15 years.
For those reading this who aren’t familiar with agoraphobia, it is an anxiety based disorder which can appear, for me in particular, as the fear of being stuck in places or crowds, feeling helpless, and the fear of being alone. For example, getting on an airplane or in a car are two of my worst fears because there is no easy way to leave when you already have sat down and buckled your seat belt. Large crowds, grocery stores, concerts, bars, or even lines at fast food restaurants can cause anxiety and a need to leave.
This disorder does not own me and I have learned to control it. Do I want to be a flight attendant in the future? That’s an easy no. Although, flying has become possible for me with the help of a wonderful therapist and medication. I wanted to be able to travel, to order food even though the line was longer than two people, and to hang out with friends outside of the comfort of my own home. If you think this isn’t possible with someone who is diagnosed with agoraphobia, you are completely misinformed. The media portrays this disorder as being reserved for someone with complete instability and lack of functional skills. It offends me that one word can bring someone who is misinformed to believe I am weak or cursed.
Before I get on an airplane I turn on my favorite podcast; Call Her Daddy. I listen to Alex Cooper’s hilarious banter and ridiculous stories and I close my eyes and realize ‘hey this isn’t that bad after all Carrie!’ I like to get to the airport early, make myself comfortable with a snack and water, and take a low dose anti-anxiety medication about twenty minutes before boarding. I still don’t like flying alone, but with the help of a friend or my mom I am completely comfortable. One day I am sure I will get to the point where I will be able to fly alone, but there isn’t a single reason for me to feel pressured to rush that.
I have an emotional service pet that has also changed my life and his name is Dotty. Dotty is a four year old black lab, and I can’t tell you why I named her Dotty but she makes me feel happy and that’s all that matters. With a certificate and special harness, Dotty comes in with me to crowded places like grocery stores or smaller restaurants. She has my back.
Agoraphobia isn’t what the movies or disrespectful authors make it out to be. Is it frightening at times? Absolutely. Am I crazy for being diagnosed with it? Absolutely not. It can feel like an endless maze but there is an escape point, just keep moving forward.
