By: Chantal Cowie

At the beginning of a relationship, when someone says, “I promise never to hurt you.” Do you choose to believe them?

In romantic relationships, I have a policy of blind trust until proven untrustworthy. To me, trust and love are inseparable. I never have and never will break the trust of someone I love. I hold the people I choose to be my partners to the same standard. I do not lie to my partners, so I assume they will not lie to me. Does this always work out for me? Absolutely not, I’ve been cheated on and lied to in the past.

“It is impossible to love without the possibility of being hurt if things do not work out.”

However, I still believe this policy is worth the risk, and here is why. Placing my trust in someone is a calculated gamble, as is allowing myself to fall in love. It is impossible to love without the possibility of being hurt if things do not work out. The same can be said for trust. And yet, I continue to do both because I know the potential for beauty and ecstasy that these practices can bring in to my life with the right person.

Most of us understand the magical power of love. Even if we’ve never experienced romantic love, this message is repeatedly communicated in movies and tv shows. Love is the ultimate high. It is a feeling we crave as humans. We are willing to make ourselves vulnerable for the chance to experience this magnificent feeling.

When you invest your trust in someone, you are engaging in the greatest act of vulnerability, asking them to sign the dotted line on the social contract that states, you will not cross the boundaries we have established for our relationship. What happens if they do cross those lines?

Broken trust hurts. There is no way around that. It engulfs you in confusion, anger, and heartache. There is an overpowering sense of betrayal and embarrassment for misjudging a person’s character. We see examples of this all the time. Movies and tv shows about scorned lovers who find out their partner has been cheating on or stealing from them. The threat of deception evokes a visceral reaction from us and, consequently, is a storyline we frequently see because it is more lucrative to portray.

“When you give yourself entirely to someone and they do not let you down, it builds a deep connection that makes you feel unstoppable.”

What is less juicy and is not given enough of a spotlight, is the potential of trust in a loving relationship when both parties respect it. I argue that trust has the same promise for that powerful feeling of exaltation. Honored trust feels like freedom. It establishes a sense of security as the backbone of a relationship. Trust frees up space, time, and energy to invest in our partners and ourselves. When you give yourself entirely to someone and they do not let you down, it builds a deep connection that makes you feel unstoppable.

This begs the question of what to do if that trust is broken. Do you trust the same person again after they’ve failed you once? The answer to that is unique to each individual and their situation. It is up to you to decide if it is worth it.

“If someone breaks that trust, they lose your investment.”

One thing I wish I’d understood when this happened to me is trust, just like love, is an earned social currency. Trust is given when someone repeatedly proves they are worthy by honoring the established rules within your relationship. If someone breaks that trust, they lose your investment. If you are willing to try to trust them again, they need to earn back every metaphorical cent they’ve lost.

When this happened to me, I will say the mistake I made was not being brave enough to trust again. It was trusting the same individual when they’d done nothing to earn back my investment. I was so desperate to love and be loved that I was unwilling to break it off or go through the painful process of making this person prove they were worthy of my trust. I took them at their word when they’d already established their word meant nothing.

“I took them at their word when they’d already established their word meant nothing.”

Trusting again in my past relationship when there was no physical proof things would change was a mistake. However, willingly giving my trust in a new relationship where my partner showed time and time again that they were worthy of that honor is one of the best things I’ve done.

“We never have to question each other’s true intentions because they are there in plain sight.”

I never worry about where they are, who they are with, or what they are doing. I take everything my partner says at face value. We have no secrets. We are open and honest with each other about our needs and desires. It is an effortless way of existing. I didn’t realize relationships could be this easy until I met someone worthy of my trust who met the standards I set for myself. We never have to question each other’s true intentions because they are there in plain sight. We are a team. Trust is what makes that possible.

I now understand that when someone breaks the trust I’ve given them and is unwilling to earn it back, it reflects how they feel about me and our relationship. The partner that shattered my trust in the past did not truly love me.

“They loved what I could do for them and did not care if they hurt me because they knew I’d take them back.”

Experiencing a breach of trust is excruciating, and so is heartbreak. However, if we desire to have meaningful, loving relationships in our lives, I believe we must be willing to risk it all in good faith that we will find the person worthy of our bravery one day.