Anonymous Submission

If I could tell my seventeen year old self one thing it would be that twenty year old me would not give a shit about the boy I cried for months over when he broke up with me over text. I had planned my entire life around him. We were going to visit each other every month and be that couple who got through long distance for all four years of college, got married, moved to a city together, had kids, and lived happily ever after. He was my first “I love you” but not my first love. I confused lust with love, and to all the seventeen year old girls that may be reading this I can’t emphasize enough how different the feeling of true love will feel. I hope I can feel this one day too. We dated my senior year of high school and I was obsessed with him. He took me to dinner, we drove around in his car blasting music, and I fell in lust with his body. This was the first time I’d really had sex. By this I mean we did it all the time. With my two boyfriends previous to this relationship, we had done it a couple times. With this relationship we experienced with different positions and I was so comfortable just letting loose. It was such good sex. If I could tell my seventeen year old self one other thing it would be that I will have a lot better sex in my life. This was a special relationship to me, but little did I know that there would be two other special relationships after that and probably multiple more until I find the one, or don’t. I’m currently single, living alone with my pet, and surrounding myself with my girlfriends and the city lights. Let’s take a walk down memory lane.

“We tried long distance, as many ‘‘serious” couples finishing their senior year of high school and heading off to different colleges try to do”

I guess I wanted to start by talking about my first big relationship because it illustrates a huge mistake that many girls will make, recover from, and then look back and laugh about. This story won’t be too long, but I do want to give it a second of breath. I was a senior in high school and had two other “sort of” relationships before this one. What is a “sort of” relationship? Well, it is when you are “sort of” dating. Like…are we exclusive? Yeah. That’s an unsaid fact. They are the relationships where you don’t say I love you, you don’t hang out much outside of a group gathering or at school, and sometimes you’ll watch the occasional movie after school. Going into my senior year, I started hooking up with a guy who turned into a “sort of” relationship which then turned into, for the first time in my life, being asked to be his girlfriend. I remember the feeling, only “sort of". He was good to me. We dated all throughout our senior year. We had sex all the time, watched movies, went on a few dinner dates, and were always around each other. He became not only my boyfriend, but my first close boy friend. He told me he loved me and it was an amazing feeling. Did he really love me? Absolutely not. This is the first and only time I’m fine with that. Young love - lol. The butterflies were constant. I loved being seen with him. I loved being at a party and watching the younger girls stare at us in envy. I loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him. We broke up and I resented him for over a year. We tried long distance, as many “serious” couples finishing their senior year of high school and heading off to different colleges try to do. Being that we were in two different cities, and two entirely different social settings, it just didn’t work out. I thought I was heartbroken. This is very important to understand. There is a difference between heart break and your heart being broken into a million pieces. Heart break is like a minor jab at your chest, and lasts a couple months before you start to move on. It’s like a broken arm that heals within months. Having your heart broken into a million pieces is like getting hit by a bus and waiting for the many bones to heal in your body.

The two “sort of” relationships caused me sadness. One of them cheated on me, and one of them just stopped liking me and told me that. Then he started dating another girl and that ended up being his first serious relationship. I also had a thing with a few guys in between these to “Sort of” relationships. At one point I contemplated if I maybe loved girls. I still don’t know if I do. I might? I want to experience with this subject more. I want to fully embrace the possibility of being bisexual.

“After two years, there went the guy I thought would be my forever. Just like that he was gone”

After my first real relationship, I cried for a few months on and off. I missed him, I missed our innocent days, I missed how I felt being around him. Then I met the first boy I actually thought I loved. Again, turns out I didn’t, but this relationship took my first real relationship to the next level. I told him I loved him first. I was in a different city attending college and we hit it off instantly. I don’t know if I ever loved him, but I thought I did for a very long time. We spent more time together than I had with anyone in my entire life. We spent hours lying in bed and talking, binge watching TV shows, going to hundreds of dinners, and confiding in each other. Ultimately what ended it was his severe depression that no one could help him conquer. I tried harder than I ever tried before to make this relationship last. I wanted him to be my forever, and I thought I could see the rest of my life with him. He didn’t care enough to see a therapist, a psychiatrist, or even confront his depression head on by admitting he had it. I was his shoulder to cry on, and it became exhausting. Our laughter and carefree relationship was drowning in tears. After two years, there went the guy I thought would be my forever. Just like that he was gone.

“I was taken right back to seventeen year old me. I felt that same combination of confusion and sadness in my chest; that feeling of heartbreak”

Except, this time it wasn’t just a broken arm. This time it was getting hit by that bus going 30 mph and breaking every bone in my body. This relationship potentially changed the rest of my life, and taught me huge lessons. I tried to move on with a few one night stands that always reminded me of how much I missed him and how I never would find someone like him again. Then I did.

My last relationship, before I became single and still am single for over a year, was the last time I thought I loved someone. I am still searching for that feeling. I want to feel what true love feels like. I read about it, I watch movies about it, and I dream about it. I watch my friends stay in steady relationships and I know they are in love and I know that I have never experienced that amount of happiness.

“I’m not sure where my life will take me next, but I hope that I will soon find a true love. Maybe that love won’t last, but I want to know what love is”

My last relationship ended because I was honest with both myself and the other person. I didn’t love them. They told me they loved me and I said “I’m sorry, I can’t lie to you.” After six months of a pretty fun time, I knew that my heart had still not healed from the pain I had experienced with the previous relationship. This person was a place holder. A getaway car. I’m not sure where my life will take me next, but I hope that I will soon find a true love. Maybe that love won’t last, but I want to know what love is.

To my seventeen year old self: how much do you think, cry, or care about that first “real relationship"? What did all the “sort of” relationships teach you? How far have you, my twenty year old self, come since you were the heart broken girl crying in her room every night? Do you think about the boys you thought you loved? No. You don’t. Are you happy at twenty four? Yes. You are. Is it okay to be in a relationship with yourself? Yes. It. Is.