Where Valentine’s Day Went Wrong

By: Stefania Tibor

Sex and Love Columnist for The Stories We Need to Hear

Between financial exploitation and cyclical overload of the same, millennial cynicism, one may wonder–is there anything left to say about Valentine’s Day?

By far, my least favorite holiday is New Year’s Eve.  With all of the commotion, yearly level ups of lavishness, and of course the cliche superstition of ringing the new year in “right,” the entire holiday just comes up dry for me.  I’m force fed what I can only describe as “cultural FOMO” for abandoning any efforts towards trying to make my NYE incredible.  

When I give into this FOMO, I realize I’ve just spent copious amounts of money for nothing.  But what ruins it for me isn’t what I’m actually doing, or who I’m with; it’s the looming expectations that set us up for disappointment we wouldn’t even feel on our own.

Think of it like a relationship you want, but can’t have; the untouched mediocre cookies in the cabinet when society tricks you into wanting to “Be good;” the thought of your birthday compared to the actual day–a whole lot of commotion just to fall flat once you get what you really wanted.  Sounds good on paper, turns out shitty in practice.

And this brings us to Valentine’s Day.  I’ve never questioned my creativity, writing process, perspective, and voice more than I have in this past week.  I went on walks, drove, took long showers, even entertained the creative thoughts that keep my brain too stimulated for sleep; regardless, I couldn’t think of a single topic that I could write about for the All Star Game Day of my column.  

I love, love; I love writing about different forms of love; most of all, I love talking about everything there is to discuss about it.  But when I thought about what gives me butterflies or emotionally compels me, I couldn’t bring myself to use it for a Valentine’s Day article.  So, why is that?

We have exhausted every kind of idea, personality trait, hot take, conversation (until this one of course), and so on that could ever be associated with this day of love.  

Last year, I wrote about how Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be, national “I don’t understand how to be romantic” day, nor does it have to be a fiscal concern.  The hack to this? Understanding the love languages of the person you’re celebrating–including yourself.  

But, easier said than done.  My boyfriend’s top love languages are physical touch and quality time–as are mine.  So, why did I buy him a really sentimental necklace and try to convince myself to spend $800+ (which I did not follow through with, do not yell at me) on lavish activities that any other day I wouldn’t really think to propose?  On this single day, that’s what I was taught to do–confine my love to either a dollar amount or vivaciously original love expression in an attempt to combat conventionality.  

So there we have it: V-day is the try-hard holiday.  It’s cringey!  It’s a futile attempt at becoming Love Economics–something inspired by the wedding industry.  We all know weddings are culturally revered as the ultimate display of love; in the eyes of many, it’s essentially our final checkpoint for validating our relationships.  Regardless of your reasoning to get married, thanks to new “traditions,” trendy twists to said traditions, and of course social media, the largest love bamboozling was born–this special day now confined to “It’s a special occasion” credit card swipes.

But here’s where V-day has failed; a wedding is such a special commitment, spending isn’t foolish or irresponsible.  Your wedding is not only a day to recognize love, it’s a day that your love takes a huge, beautiful step forward.  You’re spending to make your celebration uniquely yours.  While each year shelves continue to clear out of chocolate and water buckets for flowers are constantly barren, that’s really as far as V-day can go.

I really took my time when trying to write this; contrary to how this probably reads, I love every form of V-day celebrations.  This year I’ll be with Galentines one day and the love of my life the next day.  I write cards for my mom and friends every year.  Maybe this is just the writer in me having to give some reasons why the curtains are red or what a gloomy sky means on a particular day.  But I can’t help but feel like regardless of what I do for this holiday, I’m involuntarily trying to make whatever I’m doing a personality trait.

Here’s where economics and media intertwine.  

The single crowd (especially straight women) is always depicted so negatively in film and cinema.  Celebrating with your (in film, usually) girl friends is equated to bonding over rejection. (my reference point: the movie Valentine’s Day).  Refusing to celebrate or celebrating with cynicism reads as desperate to an almost comedic degree (my reference point: Valentine’s Day).  Celebrating with a significant other all of a sudden makes a couple feel artificial (my reference point: social media).  

Now that I’ve taken you down this incredibly dark, hopeless perspective on a day that I SWEAR I adore and look forward to, I’ll finally explain why I’m really excited for the future of V-day.  As the world has come crashing down, we’ve had to face some harsh truths.  Millennials and younger have to deal with a world that feels like it is crumbling in every way possible.  But what I’ve been noticing more and more is what feels to be a cultural reset in these various sectors of apocalyptic anticipation.

In class divide, I see a recognition that these flamboyant, monetary reflections of love don’t give us the emotional representation that capitalistic conditioning has convinced us they would.  So we sigh, throw our hands up, and refuse to keep dumping money into what you’re “supposed to do” for V-day.

With COVID, we’ve been emotionally tormented into realizing all we really want and need is to be with the ones we love; some of us were scared straight and some of us experience this as another layer to devastating loss.  We can’t tip our way into a table at the overpriced, not really that good restaurant that everyone wants to go to for V-day dinner.  The culture has changed; “everyone” isn’t going to this place or that place because for the sake of public health, “everyone” can’t fit.  

In exhaustion from the constant inferiority we feel from copious consumption of toxic media, we aren’t yearning to have the IG V-day experience that you’d see the 2014 Alexis Rens of the world having.  By giving up on trying to live a life we’ve all realized is not accessible, let alone relatable, we’re simply using this day as an “us” day. 

Thanks to all of these disastrous elements that are shaping behaviors and desires, paired with millennials beating the shit out of enjoying things or having preferences, we’re no longer looking at Valentine’s Day like it’s Christmas.  I believe from this point on, we’ll move forward with this holiday with new intentions and an eagerness to enjoy whatever form of love you want to celebrate.  

You’ll buy your girlfriend the teddy bear because it’s cute; you’ll pick up the cheesy cards because you thought it was funny.  We’ll keep turning back to these cliches not from a consumerism standpoint, but rather, with an intention that’s guided by your inner child–no thinking or planning, just a love response.  

The random and sweet texts, the extra muffin you brought home from your work party because it’s your boyfriend’s favorite, the museum tickets you bought because they’ve been dying to go, the extra coffee you made and kept warm because you wake up earlier, the sex, the bestie dinners; Valentine’s Day celebrations are the ways you naturally show love for the other 364 days, now, they’re just wrapped in a bowl (and probably a little more expensive).