By: Paige Gulliver

“**The anticipation of life after I turn 21 is already taking over my mind.”**

I turn 21 in 6 days. 21 years of life gone in what feels like an instant. Years not necessarily lost, but spent. Taking into consideration how invaluable time is, it is remarkable how willingly I waste it. Wasted time waiting. Waiting for the future whilst neglecting the present. Don’t get me wrong, I have lived an eventful, memory-filled 21 years. I have made life-long friends along the way and have also lost them. I have taken risks and reaped rewards. I have succeeded and I have failed. My fair share of fun has been more than satisfactory. The times where I have chosen to see the value of the moment are times that have become memories. Memories that make my insides feel warm and make life seem a little less serious. Those times make me smile to myself. Years of laughter, tears, growth. But why does it feel like seconds, minutes, days, and years disappear as soon as they arrive? Why does this birthday milestone leave me asking myself what’s next? Why don’t I ever ask myself what’s now? I’m scared I am living my life looking in front of me and only checking the rearview to relive memories.

“**why does it feel like seconds, minutes, days, and years disappear as soon as they arrive”**

It seems like just yesterday I was getting my license. I spent what felt like 16 years of my life looking forward to that day. Once it arrived, it was gone just like that. Something so momentous, so anticipated. Over in a blip of time. Next thing I knew, I had been driving for 2 years and was giddy to turn 18. College and adulthood hand in hand on the horizon I was experiencing a turning point in my life. I stayed up at night in excitement. Then, it happened.

**“I’m scared I am living my life looking in front of me and only checking the rearview to relive memories.”**

Now, I’m turning 21. I’ve forfeited present moments in anticipation of the future. Now that I’m in the future I feel lost and regretful. Wishing I would stop looking ahead as it only seems to accelerate time. I need to stop and marinate. Marinate in the times that will soon become memories. Present times that will soon become the past. The time to come is not guaranteed. It is not promised. Why do I invest so much thought into something I’m not even sure will be there?

“**Marinate in the times that will soon become memories.”**

My mission for my 21-year-old self, who I will be meeting in a week, is to live here. Here in the present. There is no better time to stop looking forward and start looking inward. Paying special attention to the intricate puzzle of moments that make up each day. Beautiful yet fleeting pockets of time that deserve to be lived in. Lived in and focused on. Seething in the significant and insignificant events of life. Take a breath and look around. Soak in the seconds and forget about the years.

“**There is no better time to stop looking forward and start looking inward.”**

Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

The anticipation of life after I turn 21 is already taking over my mind. Plans and anxieties associated with the time to come swirling around in my head. Quiet stressed voices pulling me away from my life. Away from my life and into a detached reality where I can not only control what happens next, but I must. I think being obsessed with what is upcoming is rooted in my anxiety. Anxiety of whether I am fulfilling my purpose. Anxiety of what my purpose is. Anxiety of whether I will make it to a point in time when I can do so. So fixated on when it will be that I wouldn't notice if it was happening in front of me.

I need to remember that years are made up of miniscule moments. They come together to construct my life. They lead me down an inevitable path that has a definite end. Once I stop focusing on that final destination is once I will start living. I need to worry about today, tomorrow. Not vice versa. I wish I could tell my past selves this advice. But I can’t. So I’m writing this for my 21 year old self.

“**Once I stop focusing on that final destination is once I will start living.”**

I am absolutely giddy to celebrate my birthday with my friends and family. I’ve laid my outfit out on my bed and had champagne in my fridge for a month. I have long thought about what it would be like to turn 21. Now, I’m going to find out. I’m not sure what is next for me, but I want to stop wasting time worrying about it. I’m not going to watch my life like a movie and wait for the ending credits. At the end of the day, time flies and I don’t want to miss my own life worrying.