By: Paige Gulliver

I like loud spaces. Spaces filled with people, things, music, and conversation. I listen to the music in my car on barely a notch below full volume and I fall asleep to mind numbing Netflix shows. While I brush my teeth I aimlessly scroll through TikTok and when I am walking to class I listen to podcasts. I seek out social activities and constant noise in fear of how I will feel when the dust settles. Finding myself alone with my thoughts is something I avoid, clearly. A mere observer to a brain overrun by intrusive and overanalytical thoughts, it is simply easier to drown it out. No matter how hard I try though, my own head seems to be the loudest voice in every room. Unignorably loud and unapologetically disruptive.

“***Overthinking can feel like I’ve been thrown into a river with a rapid current.”***

My head rests on my pillow but my thoughts are far from resting. I can stay up for hours at night overthinking and picking apart meaningless moments from my day. A fleeting “how are you” to a passing peer becomes a cringe-inciting memory as I wonder if my words came out weird or my inflection was off. A time years ago that I said something strange to an old crush will run through me like a shockwave as I physically shutter at my prior verbal vomit. A text sent to a group chat that went ignored will be enough to convince me that my friends simply don’t like me. Everyday, time is spent and time is wasted on this exhausting cycle. Convincing myself I have made a mistake and then mulling it over, over, and over again.

“***The undertow is comparable to my thoughts.”***

In reality, the person I passed on campus hasn’t thought about the way my “how are you” lingered in the air. I have probably been absent from the mind of my high school crush since graduation. My friends of many years most likely weren’t on their phones and in fact do still like me. This realization is easy to put into words, but not in practice. Over analyzing yourself is exhausting and most of the time, useless. For me, it is also inescapable. I find myself victim to my mind and become my own harshest critic.

“***The more that I resist the less control I have and I find myself drowning.”***

Overthinking can feel like I’ve been thrown into a river with a rapid current. As the water pulls me I try to fight the waves. Panicking and losing energy I gain no distance. Land remains in eye-shot but is always decidedly far away no matter how hard I swim. I use all my power to resist the strength of the swift stream to no avail. The undertow is comparable to my thoughts. I can always rely on it to try and forcefully take me with. The more that I resist the less control I have and I find myself drowning. It is in this moment when I feel as though I have nothing left to give that I stop fighting and float. The river briskly brings me along as I begin to reach a calming equilibrium. Carrying along on the surface I am able to breathe again, a mere passenger of the flowing water as opposed to a victim of it.

This analogy serves itself to explain the reality of intrusive thoughts. Fighting against the current is a fruitless effort. Seeing myself as a traveler of the tide allows me to see these thoughts in a different light. I am simply an observer of these postulations and not a prisoner. These thoughts do not own me, I own them. When I cease the resistance against them is when I start to feel some semblance of peace. To recognize that these thoughts are formulated in an irrational sector of my brain is to recognize that these thoughts don’t constitute reality.

“***These thoughts do not own me, I own them.”***

The quickly moving world around me is not stopping to analyze my minute actions. So why am I? Why am I letting my life pass by as I spend time scrutinizing the past. Scrutinizing my organic and genuine interactions. Scrutinizing precious memories and moments. All of this scrutiny amongst no praise leads to debilitating mental processes composed of irrationality. True strength is found not in the fight against these thoughts but the release of them. And true peace is found not in the abolishment of these thoughts but the discrediting of them.

Realizing you cannot fight an undertow is a life saving measure. The stronger the struggle the stronger the strength of your thoughts become. Understanding you are a third-party viewer to these unfounded dissertations of where you went wrong enables a quieter mind. Turn the “what-ifs” into “so whats?”. Turn the “whys” into “why nots?”. Let go. It is not easy to absolve harmful thoughts but it is possible to take away their power. Don’t fight the current, let yourself float. You will eventually reach shore.