Dating and The Road to Self Discovery--What Kind of Girl Am I?

By: Stefania Tibor

Between the wins and losses, butterflies and “F*** men” fits, and everything in between, a twenty-something in the dating realm will more often than not learn the lessons those before us try to warn us about.  Here’s a thread of that journey that I’ve been fortunate enough to experience.

The reason behind this life path I took is still a question mark to me; it’s something I’m eager to learn more about through trusted outside perspectives.  There’s always so much to learn about yourself through others, but some of the most rewarding moments I get to experience are the ones that guide me into self discovery.

If you asked me where my origin story was as the aloof girlfriend, I’d say it began around 10 years old.  My dad and I were playing outside during one of his supervised visitations; by the end of the day, I would find out it would be our last.

It was the fatal combo: an energetic 10 year old and an alcoholic of 30-something years experiencing withdrawal trembles and irritation.  I finally struck the chord when I teased him about losing our game, to which he replied with “I’m just gonna go.”

I can’t tell you what intuition came over my innocent brain, but something deep inside of me knew if I let this goodbye happen, it would be for good.  So I did what I believe any child would do; I fell to the ground, grabbed his pant leg, and sobbed my apologies, begging him to stay.  But he dragged me to his car, started the car, and began the emotional ruin that would end in an estranged death.

From that day on, I made a subconscious promise to my young self to avoid that pain for the rest of my life.  I stubbornly refused to ever let myself beg for someone to stay with me, because due to my experiences, I felt like putting my heart on my sleeve would never be enough.  Then, I thought I promised myself to never give too much of myself to someone that didn’t deserve it.  Now I realize, I promised myself I would never let myself love a man to the point of extreme vulnerability.

That day set the precedent for the girlfriend character I would adopt until just a few weeks ago.  I was the cool girl; whatever you wanted to do, I bounced off of.  I could respond to your texts as I could (never overextending myself of course) or not hear from you for days.  You could have female friends, be on good terms with our exes, play video games all day every day, whatever you wanted.  Because I believed I was “trusting.”  In reality, I put that aloof effort into my selection process; I was content with this detachment because I selected partners that I organically was detached from.  A fear of intimacy can run deeper than you could imagine.

With this go with the flow attitude, which is something that exists in all facets of my life (friends, spontaneity in life experiences, etc.), would ultimately take me to a very toxic place: friendships with exes.  Due to my lack of heavy emotional connection in past relationships, these “friendships” weren’t a big deal, until it came to my junior year love interest.

We dated for a few months and burned bright until we burnt out.  We ended amicably and agreed that it was in both of our best interests.  I believed this until I found out he hooked up with his female best friend just two weeks later.  So I became enraged, got my “Go for the friends” revenge, and made sure my anger was very clear.

We had 6 months of needed silence, until one day he offered an “overdue” apology.  Due to how fast I was over him, I knew my feelings no longer existed and was willing to hear this apology I was definitely owed.  So we sat down, talked through it all, and felt like we ended on a high note.  

From then on, we formulated a fairly solid friendship foundation that allowed it to sprout during the first Covid lockdown.  He went home to London for 11 months while I stayed on the West Coast.  I boasted constantly about how this was how I was able to make the most unlikely friendship happen.  Thousands of miles meant no hooking up; a global pandemic meant no foreseeable future; outside of ourselves and our internal promises to not blur the lines, the world was the main component in preventing that from happening.

But, of course, shit happens, and he came back to Los Angeles this past February.  To my surprise, it only took one time seeing each other to fall right back into that exes limbo that we all fear.  The temptation took over and before I knew it, we kickstarted a physical reunion and our “friendship” dynamic warped that into a couple-y vibe.  We knew we weren’t getting back together, but at least on my end, I found myself expecting the same respect you’d receive in a relationship.  

I never listened to the people around me that firmly believed you can’t be friends with exes.  And just like almost everything in life, I needed to learn that lesson on my own; and boy have I.

From February to the summer, I would endure what I later realized was a worse version of our actual relationship.  He gaslit me when I felt he violated my trust, treated me like a last resort to spend time with, and so on.  It was always “I’m sorry if I made you feel that way” and “That wasn’t my intention.”  Deflection, gaslighting, you name it.  

I was so confused; I was the chill girlfriend, I was the ex that you could be friends with, we cared about each other, what happened?  And then it hit me, the reason you broke up will be blazingly worse in a friendship.  If they are capable of treating a romantic partner, one of the most sacred unions a monogamous individual can experience, terribly, they’ll definitely carry that into a friendship.

Once I cut lies, I found myself exponentially happier immediately.  I removed a one-sided friendship that made me feel terrible.  And then I was on a high.  And then I cut the other friendships that weighed me down.  And then, I reached my biggest milestone to date; I decided it was time to put my chill girlfriend role to rest and finally cater to myself just as much as I did to my partners.

I was always wholeheartedly advocating for friendship with exes once enough time passed.  But after years of trying to keep this up, I realized this is something that just simply cannot exist, unless there’s a very unique situation.  So now, I’m the type of partner that will advocate for 50-50, a two-way street.  I’m now the girl that has realized I can get upset, expect more, and be vulnerable; it’s what we all deserve.