Meeting the Little Voice: A Path to Learning More About Your Partner
By: Stefania Tibor
In the height of a fight, or the thing that caused the boat to rock, our words can often cause a conflict we were least expecting. How it made you feel is completely valid, but understanding that is half the battle.
I’m a huge, emotional, sensitive baby deep down. That was my first lesson that I learned in my relationship. When my boyfriend gets annoyed or is frustrated with me, I hate it and I want it to be over immediately. This doesn’t mean that I lose all sense of sensibility and constructive communication. We have a great problem-solving method that we’re continuing to shape and improve. But I hate having to do it.
Even before my relationship, I realized I’m a lot like my mother when it comes to love, feelings, and emotions. Once I got into my relationship, that realization hit me like a freight train. I love strongly, I feel deeply, and I take conflict very seriously. With people I don’t care about, especially those that are inhumane, I won’t step down from a fight. I stand up for what I believe in and I couldn’t care less how much hatred the opposite party has for me—they mean nothing to me. Though I still stand my ground, arguments with those that I love are a completely different story.
My emotional responses to these arguments do a complete 180. I feel deeply hurt by anger or frustration towards me, in fear that I did something deeply wrong. The thought of being the reason someone isn’t happy is something I struggle to cope with. In the past, this has inhibited my way to strengthen friendships. My relationship is something I will always fight for, it’s one of the most important things to me. So, I dive into the tough part of the human existence and fully descend into our conflict. I’ve learned to extinguish the fire before sweeping up the ashes.
Being that I have such high emotions, good or “bad,” I want to problem-solve immediately. I don’t go to bed angry; I don’t let these moments fall to the waist side, and I never stop talking about it until I feel 100% better. Being with my partner has taught me a very valuable, and widely applicable, lesson: my conflict resolution style is just as important as the one my counterpart has.
Sometimes, my partner needs a breather to think about things. It’s never a brutal pause and a loveless evening—quite the opposite. Rather, it’s a doggy ear on the page you don’t have the brain power for, but you really want to get the most out of. In the beginning, this was hard for me to cope with. Whenever I was in a situation where conflict was to be continued, I’d spend the time they’d use to think, thinking about every terrible outcome that could possibly occur. I wanted that instant relief that things were okay (enter daddy issues).
My first real argument with my partner taught me a lot. Going into arguments guided by the unease of wanting it to be over as quickly as possible, is really smothering. My partner taught me that sometimes, resolution takes time. Even the minescule tiffs that could feasibly resolve quickly, benefit from putting a bookmark in it, saying “I love you,” giving each other a kiss, and saving it for the morning. In doing this, I opened a can of confetti, filled with so many new things I was able to learn about him.
One night, I brought up a situation that I’ve easily brought up at least 4 times before. In true me fashion, I still didn’t feel good about it, so I needed to try talking about it again. My boyfriend, guided by levelheadedness, was confused why this was something we were still talking about. As I kept pushing and pushing to get this figured out, the farther we got from putting it to rest. So, he held my hands and asked me if we could talk about it in the morning with fresh minds. That was the last thing I wanted to do, but relationships are a two-way street; if that made him more comfortable, that’s something I needed to honor and try.
So, we exchanged “I love yous,” snuggled like we always do, and sealed our night with a kiss. The old me that had yet to learn from him, would’ve brought it up the second I saw my chance in the morning. But for the first time, I saw conflict with someone I love as something to put our best foot forward on.
Once it was appropriate to bring up, I asked if we could continute last night’s conversation. Truthfully, I was incredibly nervous. I was worried we’d have a similar discord to the previous night. But like the loving, emotionally intelligent, empathetic person my partner is, he told me how he felt the night before, but how sleeping on it made him realize things. We talked it out and like all obstacles we’ve had in the past, it made me love him even more. With each hiccup, our relationship gets stronger—it’s one of the most amazing parts about being in love with my person.
Understanding each other is a great thing; finding understanding in each other’s actions as well as your own is something I really value about my relationship. But after that one day, I realized there was a whole other world of bliss that stems from that kind of effort, respect, and communicative instance.
The world of your partner’s brain...
It felt like one of those amazing “Ah-ha!” moments. Once I reflected on the things I learned and the ways I wanted to address discord moving forward, I realized a lot about my partner. So many of his past emotional responses, dialogue, and so on clicked on another level. I had a deeper understanding for what his words and emotions meant.
One of the most important parts of a relationship is finding ways you can learn and grow in order to learn more about your partner. You’d be surprised how many things can bring you closer to getting to know the little voice in your partner’s brain.
