Relationship Insecurities; Your Partner vs. Your Internal Battle

By: Stefania Tibor

Sex and Love columnist for The Stories We Need to Hear Media

Whether it’s not feeling attractive enough or worrying you’re not enough, we all at one point or another struggle to feel fully confident in a relationship.  But is this inability to mind read a genuine concern or just the little voice in our head?

After a journey of self-discovery and healing, I finally found my person. I’ve been happily growing in what I’ve found to be my happiest and healthiest relationship for the past few months.  Perhaps one of my favorite parts of my relationship is our troubleshooting.  While the bliss of heartfelt moments and sappy memories will forever exist in my memory, overcoming obstacles reminds me that my person is in my life because we can happily exist in life, through both the positives and negatives.  

Some of these negatives can be misunderstandings, a request for acknowledgement of mine or his feelings, and so on.  But not all opportunities that solicit growth and acknowledgment exist one on one.  Rather, these opportunities present themselves as conversations in our minds that sometimes trick us into thinking there are faults between us.  A solo trip to Target one afternoon taught me this specifically.

I often find any (appropriate) excuse to show off my boyfriend; not to boast about being loved by an amazing person, but rather, to give my partner the celebration he deserves.  He has such a fantastic mind, an incredible work ethic, and has a laundry list of wildly successful milestones in his academic experience and professional life.  I love learning about his career and experiencing a whole new realm of knowledge each time we embark on insightful conversations.  But one day when we had a work-from-home day, I discovered a feeling that hadn’t yet crossed my mind.

I had a rather slow agenda for this day; very quick calls, only one article to finish, and an afternoon of perusing projects and finding tasks.  Beyond the capitalistic mental poison that is feeling useless unless overworked, I found yet another insecurity that day.  I watched my boyfriend take call after call, contributing to such intelligible dialogue with nothing but wisdom and grace.  I sunk into the pillows behind me and wondered...am I smart enough for you?

I spent my lunch break in Target looking for new highlighters.  As I walked up and down the aisles, my mind began racing with concerns and fears.  I wondered if our simple, 2-year age gap was blindingly obvious due to the immense differences in our careers.  Before I continue, I’d like to make it clear that jealousy has never crept into my mind; while I may find disappointment in myself, I’ve never wished for the downfall or inferiority of another person.  I don’t want to be seen as the breadwinner or use my partner’s success and motivation to be better, I simply found myself wishing that I could be the person I believed he wanted me to be.  

Every now and then, I find myself wanting to act impulsively in order to find validation that from an objective standpoint, I don’t really need.  As I strolled through this Target, my mind played the monologue I planned to deliver over and over again.  “Am I smart enough for you? No, too ‘pick me.’  Do you think I’m--what words am I even looking for?”  And that’s when it hit me...what was I looking for as the ideal outcome in this conversation.

This question was one of the biggest self-discoveries that I’ve made thus far.  I truly believe this me-time gave me the chance to exercise my emotional intelligence for the greater good of my relationship.  I stood amongst the hair care products and embarked upon my “aha” moment--has he ever done or said something to make me feel this way, or am I projecting my own insecurities on my relationship?

I finished my stroll and headed to my car for a thoughtful drive back to his place--I wasn’t anywhere near done with this internal conversation.  The thought of my partner seeing me in a negative light was immediately expelled when I had that “come to Jesus” moment, but I still wanted to understand why that fear presented itself in the first place.  I caught myself this time, but I needed to know that I can have these conversations with myself; not all of them would be quickly resolved.

First, I took the time to think about the instances that I really felt this way.  I discovered that it mostly came when we would talk and I’d have little ditsy moments.  They also seemed to creep in when I didn’t have much work to do.  From there, I thought about what he said and did during these moments.  When I felt my brain scramble during knowledge games we played together, we giggled together about how stressful something so trivial was.  He never once made a comment about my intelligence, rather, laughed along with me at my SoCal lack of geography knowledge.  I remembered it’s okay to laugh at myself and that I don’t have to be good at everything.  

As I racked my brain, I proved to myself that not a single moment of judgement regarding my intelligence has ever remotely occurred between the two of us.  Suddenly, I was flooded with memories of admiration he consistently gives me.  He always tells me how proud he is of me and reassures me that I’m intelligent.  Without even knowing, his out of the blue kindness reminds me that my job doesn’t define me.

So, if his actions didn’t create this insecurity, what did?  That’s when it hit me; this insecurity wasn’t created during our relationship, it existed long before it.  I began to recount the actions of others that undoubtedly made me feel stupid.  I remembered my family constantly comparing me to my older sister.  We were both great students and simply had different hobbies and interests.  But these simple differences were enough to compare the only female grandchildren.  Even though we had a 7 year age gap, our family always talked about how fascinating our differences were.  To us, they were my talents in sports and hers in decathlon and theatre.  But to my family, they were “Smart and successful” older sister, and “Popular and artsy” Stefania.  

Yet another “aha” moment came to me as I parked my car outside of my boyfriend’s house.  While having a creative job is something I’ve always dreamed of, I wondered if my success would still be defined by the achievement of becoming a trophy wife.  There it was: the root of my fear of not being smart enough for my partner was nothing more than the little voice in my head projecting my family’s perception of me onto someone that not once showed this in his words or actions.  I walked upstairs, gave my boyfriend a kiss, and smiled in gratitude that I had a chill work day.

I know I can always talk to my boyfriend about things, and if I ever feel compelled to, I’ll tell him about this moment I had with myself.  Or, maybe he’ll come across this article and find out on his own.  But it’s okay to keep these moments to yourself, and I think that’s what I’ll do this time around.

His supportive heart would assure me that he wholeheartedly sees me as an intelligent, creative soul.  While reassurance is always something great to hear, I can’t have my self confidence dependent on how my boyfriend sees me.  We work so well because we’ve become independent, mature, and a secure version of ourselves.  We aren’t co-dependent, we’re cheerleaders for each other and big fans of ourselves.  I come to him with fears of my future and moments that my internal voice tells me I won’t be successful and he talks through them with me. 

Hearing an outside perspective from someone that lives a life alongside you will always be helpful to break internal struggle.  It hasn’t happened to me yet, but there can be times that your partner does make you feel unsupported and that won’t be solved with a Target stroll.  But before you panic and feel the flaws you see in yourself live in the minds of the ones that love you, have a conversation with yourself.  Regardless of the outcome, whether your hunch is right or you happen to be projecting, internal conversations will always be helpful.  They may affirm that your partner doesn’t feel the way you feel about yourself or they can prepare you to have a calm, progressive conversation with your partner.  Either way, we’re our own worst enemies and sometimes we need a stern and loving talking to.