“Adderall was the only thing helping me survive while also destroying me.”
Margaret’s story:
By: Greta Nagy
Margaret recently graduated college with a degree in business. She is now applying to graduate schools for a completely different area of interest: biology. Margaret embodies a go-getter attitude, and is the type of woman that is not afraid to pursue what makes her happy and comfortable. She learned the hard way that business was not the right industry for her to pursue, even after the years of pressure from her father- in the end, someone who had a very hard time accepting her choice to diverge from it. Margaret is going to share her experience interning at a large company, that she is choosing to keep anonymous, and the colossal pressures, routine anxiety, and deteriorating Adderall clutch that she endured along the way. Here is her story.
“I grew up in a really nice house, one that people would take pictures of when they would come over for a sleepover- I’m sure you remember. I don’t mean to brag, this just has a lot to do with what originally inspired me to follow in my fathers footsteps. He threatened a life without luxury, aka a future without living in a beautiful mansion forever. 10 year old me had a hard time accepting that idea. From the point forward I made it my mission to be exactly like my father so that eventually I could afford the same life I had now, and also so that I wouldn’t disappoint him. I never was close with my dad. It was more of a game of intimidation.”
Margaret graduated high school at the top of her class, with many options for college. She decided to attend the same school her father graduated from, even though she had always dreamed of attending USC.
“I feel like I didn’t make the right choice. I still loved the college I attended and wouldn’t change a thing. Everything happens for a reason, and I thank my dad’s harsh influence for influencing my college decision because I wouldn’t have met the people and shared the experiences I did. In hindsight I certainly would not change a thing. That doesn’t mean that I can’t be disappointed and regretful of not using my own voice at the time and standing up for myself. I had worked so hard to get into USC but ultimately threw that all away just because I knew my dad would freak out.”
“I did not fit in academically. This school was way above my comfort level in terms of the academic environment. I was always getting worse grades than the other people in my class and I was always struggling to catch up or keep up.”
At the end of her sophomore year, Margaret got the news that she had been accepted to work as a summer intern for a well known company. Her dad was thrilled.
“I couldn’t tell if my dad was actually proud of me, or just relieved that I was somewhat “making it” in the business world. I got the internship on my own and because of my own hard work, and this probably gave my dad a lot of relief.”
“In June I started the internship. There were two other girls in the group of 7 interns. At the beginning of the internship the woman told us that ‘some of you will be forgotten after you leave this internship. You won’t get a recommendation or job offer from us. Senior: only 2 of you will get to work here.’ Or something along those lines. I was thankful I wasn’t a senior, but the thought of being the shitty intern who didn’t have a good reputation with the company was very fearful to me. I decided I was going to work my ass off that summer and do basically anything it would take for me to earn the recommendation and good standing with this company.”
Margaret was living with another girl working for a public relations firm that summer.
“Her internship was so laid back. She would go to happy hours with her co-workers, fun events, and come back at like 3 am on a Tuesday. I would still be in the office when she would text me drunk asking to let her up to our apartment because she forgot her key. She always invited me to go out with her and I never accepted because I couldn’t. I was so jealous. I woke up at 6 am every day, and got home between 8 (at the earliest) and 1 am (at the latest). It was such a competition between me and the other interns to see who could get their the earliest and stay the latest.”
“One time me and another girl were given a project to finish in 24 hours. Immediately the worst wave of anxiety and fear came over me. I literally went to the bathroom and started crying. The project was seemingly impossible. I had no idea what I was doing and neither did the other intern. We were also supposed to present. I would look stuff up and get no results. I remember still being in the office at like 2 am having a full blown panic attack and thinking that my life was going to be over. The other intern was also crying and we just didn’t know what to do.”
The two girls pulled it together at the last minute and were able to present. Unfortunately, all their hard work didn’t exactly pay off.
“We were ripped apart by the same woman that told us all that some of us would not be asked to come back after the internship was over. She said word-for-word ‘this project is not well done at all. Your statistics are off, and you have let down the company. Do better.’ I was the most anxious I had ever been in my entire life. I literally wrote her an apology letter in between tears and heart palpitations. I started working myself to death.”
“The next day I got to the office at 5:30 am. By 4 pm I was falling asleep at my desk with piles of work to finish. I knew I hated investment banking and has not in the slightest bit happy. I knew I didn’t want to do this. I also knew that my dad would disown me if I didn’t. I unintentionally fell asleep at my desk because of how exhausted I was from the previous night. Of course, my boss caught me. I remember in that moment being yelled at so hard and then going to the bathroom and having a complete melt down.”
Margaret returned home after work. Her roommate was eating dinner and watching Netflix, something that wasn’t familiar to Margaret anymore.
“My roommate could tell how exhausted and stressed out I was. She was so supportive and let me ball my eyes out to her while having a panic attack. I couldn’t control my emotions anymore. I was almost never happy. Then I told her how exhausted I was but how much work I still had to do. I told her I hated coffee and she suggested I take Adderall. I didn’t have any, nor had I had taken Adderall but she had bottles of it. I took one the next morning.”
“I felt like I had never worked harder in my entire life. I was in a better mood, I was getting stuff done, I was impressing my boss. I couldn’t stop working. The Adderall was helping me out so much. I wasn’t starving at lunch and I wasn’t falling asleep at my desk at 4 pm. I was so wired and could stay in the office well past midnight. I would struggle immensely the next morning, but just pop a pill and fifteen minutes later I’d be right back on track.”
This little routine didn’t last forever.
“A week or so in, I started feeling the horrible side affects of Adderall. The lack of sleep was making my anxiety almost unmanageable. I had lost 7 pounds in 6 days. I looked awful, smelled awful, had forgotten to brush my teeth and shower multiple days in a row, and could hardly function normally. I hadn’t talked to any of my friends in who knows how long. The only person I made an effort to act like everything was fine with, was my dad.”
When the next day of work rolled around, Maraget’s anxiety had become unmanageable.
“I could not breathe. I could not think. I had so much work to do, so little time, and I was not well. I was physically and mentally unstable. I felt like a walking skeleton and my heart was beating so fast. Aderall was the only thing helping me survive while also destroying me.”
It was the beginning of August, and Margaret had three weeks left of her internship. The interns were assigned one final project each. This was to be completed before their last week began, and then presented.
“I was hardly functioning. My roommate had just given me all of her Adderall, and she had so much that she never took so therefore I never ran out.”
“The night before my project was due I was not prepared whatsoever. I had finished what I hoped was good work, but emotionally I was a disaster. I tried presenting to my roommate and broke down when I messed up. I literally just wanted to hide.”
“I gave my presentation the next day. I felt inadequate compared to the other interns. I felt like I had failed myself and my father. I finished the internship and was told by my boss that ‘we don’t think this job is the right fit for you in the future.’ I broke down but I agreed.”
Margaret returned home for what was left of her summer.
“My dad asked me so many questions and was so interested to hear about how well I did in my internship. I couldn’t fake it anymore. I was so sleep deprived, so irritable, so anxious, and a walking time bomb.”
“I just started uncontrollably sobbing and told him that I never wanted to work in investment banking again. I told him that the internship was the worst and most damaging experience of my entire life. I told him that I had failed at everything, and he started tearing up silently. I was waiting for the lecture and disappointment to come, but instead he reacted surprisingly very different. ‘I’m so sorry this happened to you. I love you, honey.” I was honest with him and this actually paid off.”
Margaret still ended up finishing her degree in business, but stuck to her word of never interning at an investment bank again. The next two summers she interned for a company in La, which she loved, and a company in Chicago. Margaret fell in love with LA, and decided she wanted to live their one day. She also declared her minor in biology, and fell in love with that too. She now is applying to USC for a graduate degree in biology.
“I never wanted to feel the way I did that summer again. I never wanted that horrible anxiety or stress on my shoulders. I never asked for it, and I never wished to have gone down the path I went down that summer. Thank God I had the courage to be honest with myself and my dad, or else I never would have reached the place I am now. It is so important to listen to your body and your heart. I had forgotten how to do this for a while, but I re-learned and am in the best place I could possibly be.”
