“My dad had been replaced with the worst form of hell you could ever imagine.”

Sarah’s story:

When Sarah was ten years old, her parents got a divorce and her mother gained full custody over the children. Three years later, Jeff entered their world.

“I had no issue with my dad. My mom was always the crazy one. I didn’t even understand why she got full custody in the first place. I talked to my dad every week and missed him a lot. It was such a hard thing to deal with because my mom treated the situation like my dad was dead and didn’t exist in our lives anymore. All I wanted to do was see him. It was just really hard. My depression began to develop when he was kicked out.”

Sarah attended a public high school and had a large group of girlfriends. They spent a lot of time at her friends Casey’s house. Casey was Sarah’s oldest friend, and had been there for her the most during the divorce. Sarah’s mother began seeing a man named Jeff that she had met online. During Sarah’s freshman year of high school, he moved in with them. They got along exceptionally.

“Jeff was awesome. I can’t believe I just said that but it’s true. He seemed to be so supportive of my mom, with whatever she was going through at that moment. I never thought I would feel comfortable with another man in my life in the position of my dad. My mom and I had a long conversation and she opened up to me about the physical abuse my dad had put her though. Jeff was kind. He would make us amazing dinners and play fancy music. He always was laughing and telling us stories about growing up in London.”

After about a year of living with Jeff in the family, things shifted.

“It was so weird. One day I got back from school with my boyfriend Thomas. Jeff and my mom loved Thomas and he had been over a lot and it was totally casual. We walked in and Jeff was just sitting at the kitchen table staring at us…we were like ‘hey are you okay’ and he didn’t respond. We just kind of went upstairs. Later we went back downstairs and Jeff was cooking dinner and playing music and was like ‘hey guys!’ and super bubbly and happy. It was the first weird Jeff situation that I can think of.”

Sarah started noticing odd things about Jeff more and more. She found him drinking in the kitchen alone one night and he offered her alcohol.

“I just thought this was weird because I was like 14. My mom had a strict alcohol rule because my dad was an alcoholic. One time my mom caught my friends and I drinking wine and she flipped out and had a long conversation with me. Jeff was apart of the conversation also and he was agreeing with everything she had said. When I said no to the alcohol he said “men like it when you drink. If you want to stay with Thomas you’ll have to start putting yourself out there.”

A couple weeks later Sarah got out of school early. Casey came over and they decided to tan by the pool. They were wearing bikinis and trying to find prom dresses.

“Whenever it got warm we would always tan at my house. We were lying there and all of a sudden Casey was like ‘what is Jeff doing is he playing a joke on us.’ I was confused and then saw what she was talking about. He was standing by the gate to the pool and staring at us. We started awkwardly laughing and he just kept staring with a creepy face. I was like ‘hey Jeff, what’s up?’ and he just didn’t respond. He just turned around and went inside the pool house. That night Casey stayed for dinner and it was the same thing that had happened with Thomas. Jeff was in the kitchen cooking and happily listening to music, like nothing had happened earlier that day. It was like there were two Jeffs.”

Things got aggressive fast.

“I started being labeled as the girl with all the problems and the creepy step dad. My friends never came over anymore and Casey’s mom called mine and told her about the weird incident with Jeff staring at as. My mom didn’t do anything and kind of just shrugged it off.”

“It was the summer going into my sophomore year. My mom and Jeff had been fighting because she caught him drinking. One night I was in my room almost asleep and my door opened. It was Jeff. He came over to my bed and he smelled like alcohol. He tried to get into bed with me and I tried to scream, but he squeezed my shoulder super hard. He tried again. I was in such a state of shock, I didn’t even respond. I don’t even know what happened. He just sat on the edge of the bed and put his hand on my upper chest. He was just staring at me and I was in this state of utter shock just not responding. Then I started crying and he said ‘shut up, I’m leaving.’ Then he left my room and I cried for hours and stayed up all night. My dad had been replaced with the worst form of hell you could ever imagine. I was literally scared to go to sleep.”

Towards the end of the summer, Jeff’s alcohol problems became more apparent. He began getting into fights with Sarah’s mom, and would cry to manipulate her into staying with him.

“He threw a beer at my mom. Then he cried and made dinner for everyone and it was like she had forgotten all about what had just happened. My mom found him drunk in his car just staring off into space one night, and she tried to help him. He pulled out a a butter knife and tried to cut his wrist but my mom grabbed it from him and took him to the hospital. She stayed with him for another six months after that.”

“The rest of the summer I was in a really bad place. I didn’t talk to anyone other than a therapist every week. I didn’t even talk to Casey. I was scared to leave my house but I was also scared to be at my house. I didn’t know where Jeff was and that terrified me. I began drinking a lot, alone in my room, for hours. I would get so drunk and numb myself. I started cutting myself on the side of my leg so that nobody would see. Things got progressively worse. I had no friends going into sophomore year. I had lost over twenty pounds. People didn’t bother to ask me how I was doing or even ask how my summer was. I had completely shut myself off from everyone. I started cutting myself really badly. I started drinking all the time. My mom would find me passed out an hour after I got home from school.”

Towards the end of her sophomore year, Sarah’s mom pulled her out of school.

“It’s crazy thinking about this time in my life. I went to a fancy rehab type program in Malibu for five months. I confronted a lot of the issues; the fears, PTSD, depression, self harm, and alcoholism that I was facing. I came back a lot happier. I wasn’t scared of Jeff and to this day I have no idea where he is. I talk to my dad all the time. I have friends, a new boyfriend, and love my job. I don’t choose to think about him or what he did to me. That isn’t part of my identity. I won’t ever be labeled as the girl who had the hot step father again.”