Things got worse before they got better.
Mia’s Story:
It’s sad to look back at the years when I was nineteen, twenty, and twenty one, and not be able to say “oh my god that night was so fun” more than once- maybe twice. I remember a pregame here and there, going to a fraternity party during one of the earlier nights of my freshman year of college, and a few pre-going-out dinners. It’s crazy to think how long people stuck around, given my problem. It’s even crazier to think how these people that I loved most, left my life completely, and at the time I couldn’t understand why. I resented them. I believed they were mean and out to get me. Denial. Things got worse before they got better. Everything happens for a reason, and there was a reason God tested me and put me through the years of catastrophic nights, panic attacks, and suicidal attempts whenever I drank too much alcohol. There was a reason he let me stay in this stage of denial for so long, kept me away from therapy and medicine, and let me date the people I dated. He wanted me to take this journey so that I could be a symbol of hope for others, a service to our world, and a woman who wears her heart and infinite kindness on her sleeve. I thank Him for the journey He put me through, because I couldn’t be at a better and prouder place in my life than I am now.
It all started my freshman year of college. I moved into my dorm room, met the roommate I had been chatting on Facebook for the past few months, and attended the first RA meeting with the rest of my hall. Rush was a week away and I had turned in my recommendations and head shots. I knew exactly what sorority I wanted to be in, and a couple weeks later I found out that I had been accepted. Life was really good for Mia. I had no intentions of ever losing this happiness. I had no idea that only six months later I would be on probation and gain the reputation I had within that sorority.
I hadn’t yet attended any sort of college party due to rush and maintaining a good reputation for recruitment. Once we all found out the sororities we had gotten into, one of our school’s fraternities held a huge “congratulations” type Greek themed party. I pre-gamed in a friend’s room with the girls that I had met so far in my sorority. We all got dressed up and bought a bottle of tequila (eh maybe two) and started playing music. It was such a fun moment in my life. This was finally college!
We arrived at the party and I met the guy I would end up dating for a year. The night was slightly blurry but I had a blast. I went back to his room and from that moment forward he made my life so happy. I spent week nights there often, and he was in what was considered to be one of the cool fraternities. He had such a great personality; so kind and filled with humor. If he ever reads this, I hope he knows that in a different life he could have been the one if I didn’t screw up so recklessly. I never put him first. I always let him down. I see the pictures on social media of his new girlfriend, who looks wonderful. I am so relieved and happy for him, and although we haven’t spoken in over two years, I have nothing but love and respect towards him. It makes me sad still, but you live and you learn. I carry the nostalgia of our best memories, but I carry the pain and utter regret of our worst.
The “welcome to Greek life” party was one of the last times I remember being able to look back at the night and talk about it with my friends. My roommate and I laughed while eating a hungover brunch in bed. School took place three times a week for me. I had Tuesday and Thursday off. This was extremely convenient. Wine Wednesday’s allowed me to become as drunk as I wanted, because I could sleep all day Thursday. I’m sure a lot of you can relate. Oh the glory of a good ole’ Wine Wednesday. So, that brings me to my first story out of the three that I will be sharing with you. Please note that there aren’t only three stories of my drunk escapades in college. There are about fifty. I couldn’t count. I chose the three most defining ones. The stories that make me look back on my freshman-junior years and regret everything I did to myself and to others.
I was headed to my third Wine Wednesday of my freshman year, and I already couldn’t see or walk straight. One of the girls I had become close with, was literally trying to keep me upright as we entered the fraternity house. In hindsight, I wished she had just not listened to me as I begged her to let me go and convinced her that I would sober up. I entered the house and wobbled to the kitchen where I found my boyfriend holding a beer and talking with some of his friends. Immediately, I sloppily fell against one of his friends, and thinking it was my boyfriend I attempted to make out with him. Next thing you know, I’m in my boyfriend’s room crying and apologizing as he told me “it’s okay Mia. You are just a little too drunk. Why don’t you go to bed.” He left the room to grab me some water, but when he came back I was gone. I was back at the party taking shots and falling everywhere (from what I heard from many). I saw a guy I thought was cute, and I started making out with him. I woke up the next morning in his bed.
My boyfriend stuck with me. He helped me, and accepted my manipulative and guilt tripping apology. Not even four days later, I did the same shit but worse. It was a Sunday evening, and our friends in the dorm all wanted to have a chill wine night in one of their rooms. We were watching “Harry Potter.” I started to feel a little tipsy and then before I knew it I woke up in my own dorm room with absolutely no idea of what happened the night before. When I asked my boyfriend he seemed flustered. He told me that I had thrown up everywhere and tried to make out with yet another guy. He also told me that I had told him I only wanted to be with him so that I could go to his parties. I told him that he was unattractive, bad in bed, and someone I would have never dated in high school.
That was an example of a night where I should have been laughing and quoting “Harry Potter” with my tipsy friends. If I could look at that girl I was, I would watch her tragic and unpredictable behavior with tears in my eyes.
A year later, and many blacked out nights, cheating, and disregard of anyone’s feelings but my own, my friends sat me down and told me that I was causing them too much anxiety and fear, and that I needed to get help. At this point my boyfriend and I had broken up more times than I can count on one hand, and I had had sex with more men than I can count on one hand. I had woken up in a different town with a man twice my age, at three in the morning. I had tried to walk home and almost got hit by a car. I got a horrible idea in my head that if I had just gotten hit by that car, everyone’s life would have been easier. At the time, that was probably true.
My boyfriend found out about the cheating when he took my phone one night, I was too drunk and kept dropping it, and saw the texts that I was receiving from contacts that I didn’t even have in my phone. He sat my down the next morning and began crying. He told me that I had caused him more pain than he could handle. He told me that he had considered speaking with my parents or my RA. Then, he told me that he had to leave me for good. This feeling was my low. I finally realized the hurt I had caused to myself and to others. I attempted suicide that night, and woke up in the hospital the next day. I was admitted to an inpatient program, and my life finally changed from there. I began remembering my morals and the things that mattered to me the most: family, friends, animals, swimming, and God.
I ended up making amends with most of my friends. One of my best friends and I had cut off our relationship entirely, after I had drunkenly told her boyfriend one of her darkest secrets. I sincerely apologize. If you’re reading this just know that I pray for our friendship every single day. I love you and everything you tried to do for me.
I finished my senior year strong. I didn’t drink at all. I did not have one sip of alcohol. That is what I needed, and I needed people beside me who wouldn’t allow me to slip back into that deep whole. I started dating my current boyfriend, who changed my life for the better. I attended AA every week, had an amazing sponsor, and always spoke to God.
Today I am working on a podcast about my experience and my advice, hope, and reassurance for women struggling. You are not a bad person just because you are dealing with these issues. You can overcome these issues. You can find that beautiful individual inside of you. You are so strong and you are so brave, and this is the journey you are meant to go through. You may still be in denial reading this, you may be currently working on yourself, or you may be recovered. No matter what stage in the process you are at, I have full confidence that you can do it. Let me tell you one more time, you are not a bad person. You must find your lowest point and experience it, in order to start moving up again. I love you so much!!
Mia.
