By: Stefania Tibor

Sex and Love Columnist for The Stories We Need to Hear Magazine

Welcome to your Post-Covid Dating Crash Course.

We’re all tired of hearing about COVID; we know it’s happening, we know it sucks, and we know just how much uncertainty exists. I’m not going to tell you how to date and keep connections alive right now, and no one should because no one knows. But that doesn’t mean romantic relationships will cease to exist; rather, this isolation can serve as a very rare chance that younger generations have at experiencing healthy relationships in our current culture.

This time has been vastly different for all of us; some of us completely rebuilt our bodies, some of us came to terms with the trauma we’ve been running from, and so on. This time of realization and internal reflection is something that we may have never experienced without the pandemic. With that being said, one of my most significant breakthroughs has been opening my mind to the idea of completely dismantling my perspective on dating and romance.

“I absolutely hate everything about the dating status quo that exists in our society, and I’m ready to change that.”

Being that I’m a sex and dating columnist, many people turn to me for insight and efficacious advice. While being the outside party is always going to allow for applicable, healthy advice, there are many things I’ve had to learn about myself along the way. Delving into different topics that many people ask me to explore has allowed me to learn much more about romance than I realized. I’ve had so many questions answered, so much closure, and so many hard lessons learned. Perhaps one of my favorite breakthroughs is finally realizing that I absolutely hate everything about the dating status quo that exists in our society, and I’m ready to change that.

I’ve talked about my dating highlights, I’ve told you the depths of my parents’ story, I’ve even told you how to give good blowjobs by sourcing my own experiences. In short, I’ve gladly shared many parts of myself in order to push ideas and lessons that I think are so important. But despite this vulnerability, there’s one thing I’ve never discussed with myself, let alone the entire internet: the trials and tribulations my brain goes through when I’m the one dating.

Everyone knows it’s impossible to take your own advice; it’s always easier to give guidance when your emotions aren’t the ones at stake. I’ve always joked about my emotional intelligence functioning as the life vest in the turbulent waters of two people finding each other while I let myself drown. In other words, I’m an incredible matchmaker until it comes to setting myself up. Thankfully, now that’s changed.

“Romance will be virtually impossible until you take some responsibility and work on yourself.”

In the entirety of my life, I’ve never been good at dating. In fact, I feel like it used to be one of my most significant weaknesses overall. To my surprise, no matter how many trauma jokes you make, no matter how many years pass, no matter how determined you are not to let romance fuck you up, your daddy issues are going to catch up to you. Romance will be virtually impossible until you take some responsibility and work on yourself.

The last time I ever saw my father sticks in my mind as the most embarrassing day of my life. I was ten years old, and I was playing an outdoor, made up kid game with my dad during one of his supervised visitations. He was finally allowed to see me after almost beating me to a pulp in a drunken rage; I lost weekends, then playdates at his house, and eventually car rides. I finally had four hours outside with the phone on hand in case we were about to lose this as well.

Love, biological connection, common sense, general likability, and everything in between can only do so much against the physical torment that is substance withdrawal. Unfortunately, the trembles, body aches, and general irritation of sobriety prevailed that day, and my dad finally refused to tolerate how annoying I was. So, he gave me a “Fine. I’m leaving” in the tone that told my soul this would be it.

I honestly can’t tell you how I knew, but I did. I collapsed to the floor in what I didn’t realize was the first panic attack I would have. Clenching his pant leg as he dragged my body towards his car with persistence, I begged him with every ounce of energy in me to stay. I pleaded, sobbed, told him I loved him, told him I needed him, I told him I couldn’t do this again; for good this time; and I watched him close the door silently, pull out of the driveway, and begin his existence in a world that I would never be a part of.

It took me almost 13 years to realize that I didn’t just lose a father that day, I lost a part of myself that I hadn’t even explored yet. From that day forward, I made a subconscious promise to myself that I would never let any man make me even remotely relive that hellacious experience.

When exploring crushes on boys in middle school and feelings for guys in high school and searching for boyfriends in college, that single day was the reason I was my biggest enemy in every single endeavor.

First and foremost, I never let myself date anyone that made me feel head over heels, causing me only to date men that heavily pursued me. Once I felt myself starting to feel vulnerable, I would spend night and day convincing myself that when it ended, I would be fine and would probably be happier without them.

I would pride myself on never crying over a boy; I thought I was different. I’ve always appeared like the girl that doesn’t give a single fuck about guys when in reality, I just refused to let myself take the jump and try to be happy.

The emotional intelligence, mental clarity, and exponential maturity that I gained from 2020 was a terrifying but necessary experience. As the new year emerged, as did the greatest version of myself that I’ve experienced. I love myself enough to let someone explore the inner workings of my mind and soul. I’ve relinquished my pride enough to explore my genuine interest, knowing the feelings might not be reciprocated, and that’s okay. I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I’ll never be happy romantically unless I can let myself indulge in wholehearted attraction and interest despite the risk of losing it--something I never thought ten year old me would ever be able to let herself do. I hope she’s proud of the person we’ve become.

Once I removed the layers of trauma-induced walls and overall pessimism towards emotionally-invested relationships with men, I came to realize what I would be like dating as a “normal girl.” As it turns out, ironically, I’m incredibly sensible, and there’s no way in hell I’m going to indulge in the realities of heterosexual romance that revolve around cat and mouse. Absolutely not.

“It’s time for the cultural reset we need when it comes to dating during the peak age of the internet.”

After spending my entire youth self sabotaging any kind of romantic connection, I’ve realized that rejection protection is the worst thing that has come out of the technological advancement in terms of interpersonal relationships. Thanks to the consistent accessibility we have to quite literally everything, we’ve completely warped our perception of how we navigate the initial steps of dating. So, I’m here to give you my realization that was over a decade in the making.

As the younger generations of the world, it’s safe to say we have been deprived of so much and are left with the shambles of irresponsibility and frivolousness. We have a dying Earth, a public health crisis, a failing political system, and so much more that I really, really don’t want us to think about. I’m tired of watching all of us suffer at the hands of the irresponsibility of those ahead of us. It’s time for the cultural reset we need when it comes to dating during the peak age of the internet. Welcome to your Post-Covid Dating Crash Course, the food for thought that we need to process in order to pursue healthy relationships.