Single, But Not Lonely
By: Lilly
Content Writer for The Stories We Need to Hear Magazine
The day my college boyfriend dumped me was the day I thought my life was over. I had grown up being told that I would meet my husband in college. Suddenly, there I was: about to graduate, with no hope of ever finding love. Once I finished school, I would have to resign to spinsterhood, losing my one and only chance at finding a partner.
After graduating, and despite the idea that I had missed my opportunity to find true love, I decided to start dating again. Even if I had missed my chance at finding “the one,” I could still have a little fun, right?
I was twenty-one and was beginning my career at an entry-level job. I had friends that I loved and plenty of free time. I went on tons of first dates. Of those, a few became semi-regular, casual flings. I would see one of them on a weeknight at a neighborhood bar. Sometimes the date would carry on at one of our apartments. The weekends, however, were reserved for my friends. We would go out dancing, try fancy new restaurants, or stay in and watch early 2000’s rom coms together.
“Being single and casually dating is the most underrated time of our lives.”
It is such a necessary time for development and self-discovery. I was able to focus on myself. I certainly wasn’t opposed to settling into a relationship, but I never made it a priority. Through dating around, I discovered more about myself and what I wanted in a partner. I relieved myself of the stress of finding a man and settling into a relationship.
The pressure that we place on ourselves to be in a relationship feels unnecessary. For many women, we define ourselves by the men in our lives. We are told that in order to have a happy life, we have to find a relationship, get married, and have children. We are taught that every date should be treated as an interview for a potential husband. Women who date around or are simply happy being single are labeled “promiscuous, slutty, or desperate.”
“We live in a society that praises sexually liberated men but shames sexually liberated women.”
Men generally do not feel the same pressure to be in a relationship. Men that have several sexual partners are idolized and looked up to. They are viewed as more attractive if they don’t settle into a relationship. The pressure to couple up is not placed on men nearly as often as it is on women. We live in a society that praises sexually liberated men but shames sexually liberated women.
Through my experience dating around, I began to unpack the pressures that society places on women. Why are women expected to always be in a relationship, whereas men are celebrated for staying single? This double standard creates the idea that male attention is a limited commodity and that women should fight each other for it.
On top of that double standard, women are told that our window of opportunity is much shorter. Men are deemed attractive well into old age. Women, on the other hand, are disregarded at the first signs of aging. Our society doesn’t value older women in the same way it does older men, so young women place extra pressure on themselves to find a partner before their “attractive years” come to an end.
Male attention has never been and will never be a scarce commodity. The idea that men are something to be chased after and fought for gives women the feeling that they should be uncomfortable being single. For women, being single is seen as a temporary state between relationships.
It can be hard to view being single as a comfortable state rather than a temporary one. The double standard that we place on single women is unfair and only upsetting. It seems to strip away some of the fun and excitement of our young adulthood. The best place to start is by asking yourself what your intentions are. If you’re looking for a relationship to feel complete, that usually isn’t the best reason. You should feel comfortable and complete just as you are. A relationship should only be the cherry on top.
Over time, I learned that male attention is never scarce. Men who liked me never stopped liking me just because I didn’t want to date them exclusively. It gave me so much power knowing that I am in control of my dating life. Rather than being strung along by men, I began to set clear boundaries. By being clear in my intentions and actions, I developed more meaningful and valuable connections than any relationship I’d had in the past.
“I’m not against being in a relationship, but I’m also not sitting around looking forward to my next one.”
Like many other young professionals in their early twenties, I am still single. Casual flings come and go, but for the most part, I focus the majority of my energy on my family, friends, and career. I don’t have all the answers, and my feelings change from day to day, but I can confidently say that I am happy being single. By spending time alone without relying on a partner's validation, I have learned so much about my self-worth. I’m not against being in a relationship, but I’m also not sitting around looking forward to my next one. I now have the confidence to know that I shouldn’t settle into a relationship just to meet a silly societal standard. My time being single has taught me how to form healthy relationships with others. More importantly, I’ve grown a loving and healthy relationship with myself.
