Submerging Ourselves into the Feeling of Abandonment

By: Krutika Surve

Content Writer for The Stories We Need to Hear Magazine

We all have dealt with some form of abandonment, one way or another. Whether it be because of a romantic relationship or the loss of a loved one, the constant fear of the people we care about leaving us is universal. Despite the commonality of it, there’s no way of relieving that sinking feeling. Struggling with abandonment takes a toll on us because we blame ourselves for other people’s choices and lives. Asking ourselves, “what did I do wrong?” Somehow, through all of this, we have convinced ourselves that we’re incapable of being loved.

For something so natural and so familiar, we have deprived ourselves of hope. Although sorry to say, we need this feeling of hopelessness, feeling unloved and despair. We need to submerge ourselves into that feeling of abandonment to see that this emotional crisis we are facing is only temporary, and it will allow us to open our eyes. I believe the only way to recover from that feeling is by allowing yourself to be alone, and in doing so, you realize that you never are. Let yourself be alone! What’s the worst that could happen? We are so afraid of being alone that we don’t even know what it's like to be entirely alone. Even if there’s no one around us, we still have social media. One of my closest friends, who struggles with anxiety, taught me to “play into the fear or worst-case scenario.” Breaking it down, we realize that the worst-case scenario is rarely as bad as we make it out to be. I’m fully aware that this is coming from a place of privilege, but hear me out.

I do this funny thing where I self-sabotage myself to protect my relationships when in reality, it’s hurting them. I have, somehow, convinced myself that if I’m not the exact person that people want me to be, they will leave. Therefore, I had started to abandon myself before they could abandon me.

In general, I’m the type of friend who will go out of my way for my peers, hoping that they would do the same for me one day. I want my peers to see me as special, funny, charming, kind, and honest. Who doesn’t want that?

That’s who I am when I’m with my friends. I risk my mental health for the sake of others. I’m not depicting myself as some saint. It’s just how I was raised. Indians are a very hospitable people. We were always taught to take care of others before taking care of ourselves, especially if you’re a daughter. So, I have applied my teachings to my life and my relationships. Do you need a ride to the airport? I’ve got a full tank. Are you feeling sick? Open your front door; I brought you dinner. You just left a long-term relationship? I will sit with you all day to make sure you’re not alone. Here’s the thing, it’s seldom reciprocated. I would be offended at first, but then I would remember that I was raised differently. How can I expect my American friends to instill the same Indian teachings I was brought up with? Yet, I seem to still go out of my way for others. Unfortunately, I do this not out of the goodness of my own heart but because I want to change people’s perceptions of me.

I’m so caught up in changing my own narrative in other people’s eyes that I lose myself through the process. In high school, I forced myself to like this band. This band is a popular British band whose songs all sound exactly the same. It was considered “alternative,” hence very cool. I saved all their songs onto my Spotify playlist and listened to them on repeat to like them. My friends liked this band; therefore I should too. Besides, I didn’t want them to see the music I actually listen to (nearly the entire One Direction discography). Looking back, I realize that it doesn’t matter. If something brings you joy, why does it matter what others think? This was an example of abandoning myself, albeit a very trivial example, but an example nonetheless.

I abandon myself out of fear of being alone.

I was struggling to find something to write about that had to do with abandonment. I’ve dealt with loss, but I thought I never felt abandoned. When I asked one of my close friends what I should write about, she very candidly said, “you abandon yourself for the sake of others.” That’s what I planned to write about. As I was working through my outline, I realized how aware she was that I was doing that. More aware than I ever was. Through all of my emotional baggage, I realized that I have somehow been able to keep the people that matter close to me. They see me, they see how hard I try, and they know who I am when I don’t. They still haven’t left.

I say “submerge yourself into that feeling of abandonment” because I have always taken advantage of what I already have. It was always there, so I never imagined it not being a part of my life. It wasn’t until I had that feeling of abandonment where I realized I was never actually alone. I still had people who cared about me, and I spent my time worrying about people who didn’t. That’s what gets me out of that sinking feeling that is seemingly inescapable.

Abandonment is complicated. I cannot speak for other people because they must be feeling it in an entirely different sense. Pain, hurt, and grief are all a part of our evolution as human beings. If it weren’t for abandonment, some of the best songs wouldn’t have been written, some of the strongest relationships wouldn’t have been forged, and some of the deepest friendships wouldn’t have carried on. The sinking feeling revolving around abandonment allows us a chance to renew ourselves, grow, and heal.