The 1.
By: Greta Nagy
Founder of The Stories We Need to Hear Media
The 1.
Sometimes I think about my life without the person I’ve always considered my forever. Would I be happy? Would I be able to live without them? There was a time when the answer to both of those questions would have been an immediate “no fucking way.” The fact that I’m second guessing what “forever” means, might say something about the way our society pushes expectations about the meaning of love onto us. What happened to love at first sight, everything happens for a reason, or star-crossed lovers? Can we still have the greatest love stories of all time, or have we been programmed to believe there is an expected path we should be taking. We are born into a world where if you don’t get married and have children before the age of 30, you have somehow failed. This means that your entire 20’s has to be devoted to finding “the 1.” What if you start dating someone a couple years before that deadline and decide they aren’t the one? Does that mean you just stick it out or grin and bear the life sentence you’ve volunteered yourself for?
There was a time in my life where I would send my boyfriend photos of engagement rings, just to put the idea into his head. I would dream about the day he would get down on one knee and ask me to be his forever. I would look at pictures of engaged or married couples and wonder when my day would come. I fell deeper into the engagement fever whenever another proposal was posted on Instagram. I would fantasize about what my Instagram caption would be when my boyfriend proposed, and I already had an idea of who my bridesmaids were going to be. My anxiety about not being proposed to took away from so much of the life I should have been enjoying with my boyfriend. I told myself I needed to get married before 30 or else my life wouldn’t work out the way it was supposed to according to society. I worried about being the last one out of my friends to get married. I worried that I would never get married. I worried myself out of enjoying my relationship in the moment, and therefore I literally almost ruined it. When you are constantly focused on the outcome of your relationship, you are losing important present moments with that person that you will never get back.
This pressure that is placed on getting married before 30 and proving to others that you have found “happily ever after” takes away from the moments we should be enjoying in our 20’s. One thing I realized is that time is the only thing you can’t get back in life. There is not even a slight possibility of going back in time and fixing any regrets. Time leaves us as soon as we waste it.
I was 22 and already planning out the rest of my life. I was losing moments by the second, and spending so much time trying to convince others, “don’t worry my relationship is perfect and we WILL be getting married eventually.” I neglected the other endless other possibilities out there because there was no way I would be unmarried before 30. I was focused on the future Instagram photo I would post of my boyfriend on one knee, and the comments and attention I would receive. Instead of getting excited for a fun night out with no obligations the next day, or a spontaneous trip, I was getting excited for the day I wouldn’t be able to do these things anymore.
Everyone says you’ll never get your younger years back. I already find myself often nostalgic about memories that are less than two years old. It is time to wake up and realize that you are not a failure for being unable to lock someone down before even knowing what city you’ll be living in five years from now. It is time to enjoy the moments with your significant other, rather than pretending like you can fortune tell or catastrophize the events of your future. Or, if you’re single—enjoy the fuck out of the time you have to yourself. Kiss the cute guy across from you at the bar with no pressure to even get his number.
Things could change in an instant, and truly only time will tell. Do I eventually want to marry my boyfriend? Affirmative. Do I want to finish graduate school and get my PhD first? Without a single doubt. If my calculations are correct, I probably will be one of the last out of my friends to get married and I am okay with that. I’m not failing at life for wanting to enjoy just being someone’s girlfriend.
I’ve realized that when you start dating someone from such a young age and into/throughout your twenties, you grow with them. You grow up together, enter the real world together, and hold each other’s hands when the nights are hard or the days are long. You dance around the apartment listening to the record player you got for him that one Christmas. You run around different cities together. You kiss and you laugh; you cry, and you enjoy this wonderful life the two of you have created, without any pressure to legally tie yourself to one another. You are young and in love.
It is okay to be unsure about your future with the current love of your life. Most likely, if the relationship is healthy and stable, you will end up getting married. There is also the chance that you won’t, and that is okay too. There is a possibility that you are making memories with someone you love in the moment. There is a possibility that the person you currently love may eventually become a memory. It is also okay to be making memories with someone you love and want to marry, but not getting married before turning 30. Your future wife or husband could be the person you’re dating right now, or a random stranger roaming the streets of a completely different country.
I want to be happily married one day, but I can’t predict when that will be. One thing I am certain about is that it will be on my own time. It won’t be before I am ready, and it won’t be before my significant other is ready. I appreciate being young and learning and growing from my boyfriend. Putting a label on it isn’t in my hand of cards right now, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still get a straight flush.
