The Reality of Predatory Dating Culture
By: Stefania Tibor
Sex and Love Columnist for The Stories We Need to Hear Media
TW:// Pedophilia, Sexual Assault, Descriptions of body types
**Editor’s note: The use of “women” in this article is intended to serve as a term that encapsulates she/her pronouns of any sexuality. “Women” preceded by “heterosexual” intends to specify she/her pronouns whose sexual attraction is to men. “Men” and “male” follow suit in pertaining to he/him pronouns and heterosexuality towards women.
A little over a year ago, I scrolled through my TikTok page and came across a video that heavily increased my activism for heterosexual women in the bedroom. A young girl, probably about 19, was giving tips to her audience about ways you can “prepare yourself” to enjoy oral sex. To my dismay, the tips weren’t ways to maximize your pleasure, but rather, a series of rigorous steps in order to make yourself desirable to your partner.
She opened her video by stating (vaguely, thanks to monetization) that these were the steps she would take to get herself ready for a hookup. She started by drinking pineapple juice; in heavy quantities. I’m talking a massive can that I’m sure is catered towards bartenders.
Now, I’m all for keeping yourself clean, and many things about your downstairs area can indicate where you’re at. But what really threw me was the tone of doing this so you wouldn’t be embarrassed when a guy goes down on you. This was really reinforced by the flavored suppositories that she said she would insert timely before sex.
That to me was the nail in the coffin when it comes to hookup culture. We weren’t meant to taste like candy and smell like a tropical breeze. I’m all for implementing things in the bedroom that are safe for your reproductive health and pH, but anything in excess can have adverse effects.
Above all, the part that upset me the most was the immense stress that women have towards something that should be the exact opposite. As someone with body dysmorphia and self image issues, I completely understand having stress during sex. We’re all human; you want this person to think you’re beautiful. The fear of not knowing what’s going on in their head can be really stressful.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have the same thought process as this young woman; I’ve dabbled in the pineapple juice wave for my first few experiences. My germaphobe, somewhat of an ex, gave me so much paranoia when we would hook up, that I was the one sabotaging my pleasure. When you refuse to let your fears and compulsions go, the stress is going to keep you from enjoying anything during sex.
Building our confidence is definitely something that takes work, but is one thread of this conflict resolution. It takes work; women are so scrutinized for just about anything and everything they do. Anyone with she/her pronouns are susceptible to superficial analysis (on top of any other prejudices and criticisms they face as individuals). I was annoyed by this patriarchal expectation, but then I really thought about it. Men implement fear in us to be desirable in every way; we assume it’s a quest to maintain their attraction towards us and to avoid being ridiculed. But then it hit me; our subservience ties back to the virginity fetishization. They want pure, malleable; nothing screams like more like a naïve virgin that learns from a partner that can shape her entire sexual experience.
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I’d like to take a moment to expand on the expectations a large population of heterosexual men have towards women. Between various celebrity couples, crude TikToks about women, and the cohesive experience of just about everyone woman, we as a culture have started to put two and two together. In this, we’ve revealed a terrifying realization that has ultimately snowballed--and is continuing at this trajectory as we speak.
Note, while I’m speaking to heterosexuality, I’m utilizing this solely because I am able to relate to it. Predatory nature exists in all sexualities and can be committed and inflicted upon any gender.
First, it starts out with the glorification of a virgin woman. I remember talking about this in high school; regardless of how many people the boys slept with, they always said they preferred hooking up with virgins. At my young age, I believed this was an alpha male-type deal. Regardless, it always felt off; now, I understand just how bad it really is.
Then we get into the body image expectations. Through the years, skinny has always been the ideal body type. When the wave of brand new Kylie Jenner came to play a few years ago, I at first thought the culture was changing. But as I continued to consume media, I realized this wave was nothing more than men wanting to tack on breasts and a narrow hip butt on a tiny frame. Almost like they were sexualizing an adolescent body...rather than taking a womanly body for all of its features (i.e. hips and thighs).
Now first off, not every heterosexual male is like this. As someone with hips, thighs, and so on, I’ve had a womanly body from college on. It’s comforting knowing that there are men out there that have grown up with us. But the reality of how seemingly rare this is, is what really terrifies me.
Before I found solace in the wave of women on TikTok and Twitter that have also called out this behavior, an ex of mine gave me a harsh reality check. After we dated, we attempted to become friends; a very big mistake on my end. We would talk about our experience dating and ask each other for advice. One day I asked him what he’d consider his “type” to which I was very surprised.
He told me he liked tall, very skinny, and blonde with soft features. For the longest time, I thought it was strange because I was not any of those things. But then he told me about a freshman he hooked up with. Then that turned into the barely 18 year old he thought was hot. Then it turned into finding out his TikTok “For You Page” was filled with teenage dancers. Having his algorithm mimic one of a teenage boy was really sickening. Finally, his desire to hook up with Charli D’amelio made me absolutely disgusted. When I confronted him about sexualizing a child, he responded with “Oh no I’d definitely wait until she’s 18.”
I’ve never seen myself lose so much control over my emotions. I found out the things listed above all at once and had no idea how to react. In the midst of my panic and disgust, I realized that he wasn’t the only one that desired these traits and these women--to a certain extent, it’s become a social norm.
This eventually led to a snowball effect of connecting the dots within my personal life. I remember hitting about 20 and realizing a massive drop in catcalling and how often I would get hit on by older men. I joked that maybe I was just more attractive when I was younger; but when I took to TikTok, I realized that an exponential amount (thousands and thousands) of women faced the same situation.
I’m glad we’re all realizing how unacceptable it is to go after someone that just turned 18. It speaks volumes about the type of people we have to sift through in the dating pool. This realization has made me understand why there are so many men that idolize young girls. Leonardo DiCaprio doesn’t date women over 25, even as he ages more and more. Hollywood is obsessed with young girls; there’s a laundry list of men that have followed in the same fashion.
It makes sense to me now why professors, employers, and other men in power prey heavily on young women; they’re men in power that are not only looking to exert that, but doing so to a woman that’s young, impressionable, and new to being an adult. If you’re on the fence about these claims, allow me to share a statistic from Fight the New Drug.
In an article titled “20 Must-Know Stats About the Porn Industry and Its Underage Consumers,” one of the statistics stated the following:
“Teen” is one of the most consistently popular porn themes, and research shows that this theme is 1) becoming increasingly popular, and 2) includes the portrayal of underage characters.”
Of domestic minor trafficking victims who had been forced into porn production, the average age they began being filmed was 12.8 years old
This article gave a sickening reality check. Pornography is something I’ve always stated to be exploitive and dangerous for so many reasons--this reason is included. In PornHub’s 2015 yearly review, globally, “Teen” was the 2nd for both most searched category and most viewed, right underneath “Lesbian” for both categories. The language in the relaying of statistics was incredibly far from worrisome; if anything, it was a prideful recounting of the website’s success.
By gender, the top 4 most viewed genres for men were (in ranked order) step mom, teen, milf, and mom. The obsession with age gaps, going both ways, is really terrifying. In the same breath that men prey on young women, they seek out taking on the role of prey by older women. It seems like on the male side, pornography intake is oriented around age gaps between characters.
In terms of most viewed, PornHub recounted that in 2015, “Teen” was the top category viewed by men. The average age of users was 35.3. To get specific, here are some statistics on age and genre in 2015.
In the 18-24 age demographic, “Teen” was the 2nd most searched genre. Race-specific “Teen” received a 207% search increase. Crude, “Tiny Teen” was just under the former with a 182% increase.
In the age 25-34, “Teen” was the 2nd most searched genre. “Tiny Teen” searches increased by 156%; race-specific “Teen” raised by 225%.
In the 35-44 age demographic, though low on the list, “Teen” made it in the top 10 most searched. Race-specific “Teen” searches rose by 188%; “Tiny Teen” 118%.
In the 45-54, “Teen” was in the top 10 for most searched.
55-65+ had increased searches that oriented around tiny, teen women, but the most searched categories overall had a significantly lower turnout than the ages above.
There’s also a recurrence of “Step dad and daughter” high searches among almost all of the age demographics.
When talking about sexual assault, one of the biggest things to note is that it has nothing to do with attraction--sexual predators seek control. We’re finally coming to a cohesive recognition that legality is just one thread of the horrific realities of pedophilia. We now see large age gaps and a pursuit of control.
And thus, our sexual insecurity is rooted here. We’re groomed and see nothing of it. It starts with the unease of inexperience, so we tailor ourselves to our partners--especially as the age gap widens. We want to maintain this “maturity” that older predators label us as. I used to use “I’m 16” as a way to deter men; while I’m not old enough for them to buy that line, the only responses I’ve gotten were “No you’re not” and a persistence to still hit on me.
I’m exponentially lucky that in terms of partners, I’ve never experienced a large age gap that has made me sick to my stomach. The only time I experienced a large age gap was someone that was horrified by my age. We had a nice connection, but he always knew he’d never act on it because we were in different stages in our lives and feared he would mindlessly manipulate me due to my impressionable age.
But I’ve had my fair share of predatory experiences with men, specifically men in power. I’ve had managers try to kiss me at work, sexual comments made to me by managers in the workplace, creepy old men that touch my lower back and fire crude comments--you name it. I’ve had male professors tell me I’m beautiful in front of an entire class. I’ve had a high school teacher direct message me shortly after high school asking to come over. It’s a harsh reality that we all need to call out and recognize.
